8

Yesterday GJ and hubby celebrated their 8th anniversary. And by celebrate GJ means that we both forgot about it until MDH called to wish GJ a happy anniversary. Why? Oh you know...the sick, coughing, hacking, snotting, non sleeping children in our house. When GJ's kids are sick everything else goes on the back burner. So here is the GJ with hubby on their wedding day. GJ had a double chin even then in all her thinness. So GJ spent the day laying on the living room floor and moaning (GJ is also sick) and calling hubby to make him come home. Now hubby is sick, A is back at school, and B is going to the doctor. GJ is just drinking Mountain Dew. Eight years GJ has been married to this red headed man. Wow. Three different cities and two different states. Crazy. Who knew? And that red headed man gets better every year. Better hubby, better dad (if possible), better son, better brother...just goodness.

Dick

B is the new dick. It's like a switch was flicked on her birthday and all the sudden it's the new B...the new dick. And GJ can call her child a dick because in the GJ house the bigger the dick, the better. Does a comma go there? Anyhoo...she is taking it to baby zebra like nobody's business. Pulling hair, screaming, throwing, chasing, following, annoying, etc. And GJ's favorite moment...drum roll...was when B knocked A down and proceeded to river dance on her face. It was awesome. Now if only B would dress up like a lion and pretend to eat the baby zebra. This would please A and give B an outlet for her new dickness. Now GJ doesn't favor B, but A has been taunting her from day 1. Paybacks suck.

The House of Good Joo

The House of Good Joo has been extremely busy as of late. GJ has been obsessing over a few things lately like what color mums to buy for the front porch and why there is no cute cabinet hardware to fit my kitchen cabinets. This last obsession is ruining GJ's life, but she is trying to carry on for her darling children. The dying baby zebra got an actual zebra body suit from her grandma and has worn it daily while failing to thrive at the dried up waterhole. B turned 1 on Thursday and is enjoying her new age. Apparently turning 1 means that anytime you take a nap you have to take 3 dumps in the process of going to sleep. GJ has also been quite busy yelling at the T.V. whenever someone mentions the words Republicans and health care reform together. Really. GJ can barely take it anymore. That's about it. What do you want from GJ? She lives in the Fart for crying out loud.

Taint

Please do not give Bad Joo (or any Joo, for that matter) advice about her taint. For some reason, this apparent pregnancy has given license to persons far and wide to offer up advice to the Joo. Advice she has not solicited. Advice she does not want.

Today, for example, a foreign associate with whom Bad Joo has heretofore enjoyed a nice phone and e-mail working relationship insisted upon REPEATEDLY ordering her to oil her taint. And to avoid an episiotomy. The conversation went a little something like this:

BJ: Thanks again. It's a pleasure working with you on work-related, non-crotch or perineum related matters.

FA: OIL YOUR TAINT!

BJ: I beg your ever-loving pardon?

FA: I said, "oil your taint." If you don't, you'll be sorry. And don't get an episiotomy. You have to oil your taint to avoid it. And don't count on an epidural either.

BJ: Um, okay. Thanks.

FA: Yup, gotta oil your taint.

BJ: Thanks.

FA: Oil your taint.

BJ: Well, you're a busy gal, I'm a busy gal. I should let you go.

FA: Oil your taint.

BJ: Buh bye now.

FA: (liltingly) Oil your taint.

BJ: Um, I've gotta go.

FA: Oh, me too. I have yoga.

BJ: Oh, well have fun!

FA: Oil your taint!

This woman has never had children but knows a cousin's buddy's friend who just gave birth and had to have an episiotomy. Failure to oil the taint. A tragic tale.

A TRAGIC TALE TO WHICH BAD JOO WOULD PREFER SHE NOT BE PRIVY.

So, unless you are a medical doctor whom Bad Joo is paying to offer advice, please do not offer her advice about her taint. Other areas in which Bad Joo is not currently accepting advice from laypersons include but are not limited to:

'roids
acne
headaches and migraines
the size of her motherfucking belly
the pros and cons of pain relief during labor
baby names
and the GNP.

Thank you. And God Bless America.

Free Stuff

Okay, internettes. These Joos know that everyone loves free shit, especially free, awesome shit, so check out Andy and Jenna's blog for the free-est, awesomist shit around.
http://andyandjenna.com/blog/?p=59 . And take special note of the adorable ass photos in the ad.

THAT IS ALL.

Alright, alright

in posting a comment on the Baby Zebra, Bad Joo indicated that she had spent most of her childhood and adolescence pretending to be a horse. This was false. Bad Joo cantered and whinnied well into the first trimester of her godawfulpregnancywhydididothis. Bad Joo did not want to be called onto the carpet by Good Joo.

I UNDERSTAND YOU, A.

That is all.

Baby Zebra

Baby zebra, otherwise known as A is driving Good Joo crazy. A has been a baby zebra for a few months now and GJ is just not digging it anymore. In fact, GJ had to up her anti psychotics by a significant dose just to get by. Oh aren't baby zebras cute? No. No. No. Baby zebras are total dicks. They talk back. They stick out their tongues. They only make this horrible, high pitched, GOD awful noise. They spend a good portion (90-100%) of their day pretending that they are dying because the water hole has dried up. GJ shits you not. It involves a lot of laying around on the ground with a tongue hanging out and panting. It's so annoying and disturbing. GJ can only get A to respond if she calls her "baby zebra". Recently baby zebra was dying at the dried up water hole when she decided that maybe if she fished in the hole she would feel better. Because zebras eat fish? Because there are fish in the dried up hole? When GJ pondered these things aloud, A only looked disgusted and continued on fishing with her tail. Don't question baby zebra's authority on baby zebra type things. So this is how we are spending our days. B is teething, which puts her close to driving GJ as nuts as baby zebra. Oh and the baby zebra's name is...wait for it...wait for it...Jules A Marty baby zebra.