Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Guess What? Chicken Butt

The GJ has been on the lookout for a fab photog since moving to FART Wayne. The GJ is pretty picky about photos and does not like anything cheesy, posed, or stupid looking (clearly). This has been quite the mission as the GJ is dealing with the FART. So, yesterday a fan-effin-tastic photog named Jenna Stoller dropped by and took some pics of the GJ offspring. GJ is very pleased with the results. In fact, the GJ is delighted. This Jenna lady has got some serious talent and is really nice to boot. You may look at a few of the photos on the Good Jenna's blog page. If you are in the FART...you best be composing an email to her that says...

Dear Jenna-
I saw some of your pics via the GJ/BJ blog. They are fantastic. No wonder the GJ is divorcing her husband to marry you. When can we meet?


Friday, March 27, 2009


B/Bedazzler/Johnny/Fatastic/Poo/Poo Dazzler will dazzle you with her mad piano skills...learned from her Aunt Bad Joo of course.

Read It Now

Her breasts rested comfortably in her lap; they seemed to have died and she just hadn't taken time to dispose of them.
Joe R. Lansdale
"Leather Maiden"

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


When GJ picked up A today from preschool they had the usual conversation...

GJ: How was school?
A: Good.
GJ: What was your job?
A: Table time helper.
GJ: What did you have for snack time?
A: Raisins, and cheerios with peanut butter all over them.

(GJ thinking gross and wtf?)

GJ: Gross.
A: You know like your boobies?
GJ: What?
A: Circles...like your boobies. The cheerios were circles like your boobies.
GJ: Neat.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Smoker's Log Stardate 3,0678,0*&

Spring is in the air, and diehard smokers out there know 'tis the season when smokers take their cigarettes out of hiding. All around this Joo, persons are parading about with fun sticks hanging out their mouths. They look so graceful, so happy, so... deliciously smoky. Now despite the fact that Bad Joo has had (count them) 1, 2, 3 friends or loved ones die of The lung cancer in the past year, Bad Joo NEEDS TO SMOKE *insert expletive* (damn it) *thank you very much*.

So, much like a memorial tribute loved ones publish in the paper some random date months after someone has died, Bad Joo offers this tribute.

Bad Joo's Smoking Career 1992-2008

We remember you today, dear cigarettes. And while you are no longer in our lives, we see you every day in life's little details: the shooting star that blazed past the house last night, the homeless man on the corner last week, fireplaces, bars, the random smoking people we knock down in fits of nicotine craving, very small rocks. We miss you, ciggies. You are always in our hearts.


Your Joo and Nicotine Receptors

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A is 4

Oh A. You are 4 now. And GJ thinks 4 is sooooooo much better than 3. Three sucks. GJ is proud of you. Mostly that you love to read and have some true passion in your life. Well...okay...one passion...horses. You are a darling daughter, big sister and friend. GJ hopes that you are happy, happy girl...

Friday, March 13, 2009

Guest Spot for Guest Pluto

"guest pluto" because... WTF? seriously, WTF happened to pluto? gone. reduced to a dwarf planet just like that. if they can do that to pluto, think what else they can do. when first asked by one joo, young and fair, to do a guest spot on the blog, guest pluto felt insecure, inadequate, inarticulate. but then said joo cried pussy and guest pluto found her balls.

guest pluto's inaugural, virginal, cherry-popping blog post will be a quaint introspective on the slow and rotten decay of youth. guest pluto is leaking into middle age. at a trickle's pace - like the longest piss of one's life (that usually occurs in a dark bathroom stall at a bar, levitating above the toilet seat to avoid toilet-transmitted-diseases, where the pee stream is painful and never-ending because one is so utterly tossed, muscle control becomes purely reflexive, with nerve signals skipping the brain altogether and working exclusively with the spine). a viscous dive into the shadow of youth.

one might think it happened upon the birth of her first child, but it actually happened about 4 months after that. guest pluto decided she no longer would drink milk. just like that. she was working for a fantastic company that was very much in tune with a new mom's needs for ultimate flexibility and the work/life balance. they had an entirely private nursing station where nursing mothers could go, plug in, pump their breasts, and then store their self-addressed milks in the spacious, stainless steel refrigerator provided. one day as guest pluto was hooked up, plugged in, spewing forth the sweet nectar of her first-born's life, it occurred to her that she was actually sitting at her place of work, squeezed between meetings (and suction cups), literally milking herself. at that moment she decided she hated milk, mostly because it comes from cows' udders, and she hasn't partaken of the vile drink since. this bold decision was the opening of the flood gates. it led to the questioning of everything (does she even like holidays? why must she clean the toilets? take this job and shove it) and the wrinkles follow not long after.

if invited back someday, guest pluto will happily share tales of her dental neuroses, involving an eternal conviction that she requires a root canal, that she will wake up in the morning with baby teeth, and that the configuration of her post-orthodontic smile is a dental pangea that can be traced back to their origins by a qualified dental technician.

i adore this blog. to any loyal followers who don't care to hear from guest pluto ever again, take this post and shove it up your "rosebud asterisk of a bum-hole" (C. Moore, "Fool") and sniff it - you'll like it better after that...

What What in the Butt

GJ almost had a heart attack when BJ called to tell her that Christopher Moore had a new book out. GJ immediately got in the Pilot and drove to Target at ridiculous speeds to purchase a copy (in hardcover)!!! GJ thinks that Shakespeare sucks ass, but boy did GJ ever love Christopher Moore's new book, "Fool." Apparently CM borrows from some of that old ass Shakespeare's stuff for his newest bookie book. GJ loved it. Mostly for the swearing (obviously) and for the pure delight of laughing out loud for several nights in a row. This, GJ friends, is good shit. Put it in a Joo butt (see previous post).

Friday, March 6, 2009

Cure for the Diarrhea

GJ has been ill in the intestines as of late. GJ has had to call the hubby home from work twice now by squealing to his secretary, "MY INTESTINES ARE LIQUEFYING. GET HIM OFF THE PHONE." Not really. About the secretary. But GJ would have if she had answered the phone. So anywho, GJ received a very special morsel of a package in the mail today. Inside were these fantastic pencil top animals. TO DIE FOR. GJ loves all things tiny and cute that fit inside her mouth. The special morsel package also included this note:

GJ and BJ also like to say "put it in my butt" when they really like things. For example, "put OBAMA in my butt." No one knows why. It causes MDH such extreme stress that she questions if she really raised the two Joos (BJ was raised by dogs). So GJ's friend knew that she was going to like these tiny, titillating treats so much that she just acknowledged the whole butt thing. GJ's dad must be right when he says nauseatingly often "youse guys are so lucky to have found such good husbands."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Gay is the new black.

*taps microphone*

Is this thing on?

California's Supreme Court will hear oral arguments today on the constitutionality of Prop. 8, with a ruling to be expected within 90 days of the oral arguments. The hearing starts at 9 a.m. PT and is expected to last three hours. You can watch it here: www.calchannel.com .

The Joos don't care if you're gay, straight, black, white, from California, Fargo, or Glaxon 5. Everyone deserves the right to marry. If you are opposed to gay marriage, don't get married to a member of the same sex. Other than that, why would anyone be opposed to two people who love each other marrying?

*steps off hydraulically operated pedestal, walks off stage, and turns the lights off*