Smoker's Log Stardate 3,0678,0*&

Spring is in the air, and diehard smokers out there know 'tis the season when smokers take their cigarettes out of hiding. All around this Joo, persons are parading about with fun sticks hanging out their mouths. They look so graceful, so happy, so... deliciously smoky. Now despite the fact that Bad Joo has had (count them) 1, 2, 3 friends or loved ones die of The lung cancer in the past year, Bad Joo NEEDS TO SMOKE *insert expletive* (damn it) *thank you very much*.

So, much like a memorial tribute loved ones publish in the paper some random date months after someone has died, Bad Joo offers this tribute.

Bad Joo's Smoking Career 1992-2008

We remember you today, dear cigarettes. And while you are no longer in our lives, we see you every day in life's little details: the shooting star that blazed past the house last night, the homeless man on the corner last week, fireplaces, bars, the random smoking people we knock down in fits of nicotine craving, very small rocks. We miss you, ciggies. You are always in our hearts.

Love,

Your Joo and Nicotine Receptors

Non-Smoker's Log, Day 240

Day 240. BJ still finds the need to shackle herself to a telephone pole every time she sees someone light up. The Incision's latest shenanigans are not helping. Someone please cut Bad Joo open, stuff her full of cigarettes and Kodiak mentholated chewing tobacco, stitch her closed, place her upon a pyre of broken cigarettes, then light her on fire. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Bad Photo Interlude

Whilst the Joos (and the internet) wait for the Guest Gay to pull his thumb out of his you-know-what (read: shitter) and get to blogging, please enjoy the above bad photo.

Now, before anyone calls the ASPCA or CPA or CDC or VH1, please note that this photo was taken in 1976; and, while that doesn't excuse or even explain the lit cigarette in the baby Bad Joo's mouth, it does mean it's too late to do anything aboot it. This explains so very, very much.

Note de Joo: MDH insists that, although it very much appears to be lit, the cigarette in this photo is, in fact, not lit.

Quitting Smoking Realistically

As previously indicated, Bad Joo recently quit smoking. The quitting of the smoking led the Bad Joo to murder, eviscerate, burn, and scatter the ashes of numerous innocents, including several children under the age of 3. Still, Bad Joo did it. She hasn't had a cigarette in five months. Five long, long, interminably long months. Five lonely, lonely months. Five months without the support and security of Joe Camel.

Bad Joo digresses.

Bad Joo quit the smoking using the nicotine lozenge. Still, it was hard. It was awful. It fellated donkeys. It was no good. Therefore, during the quitting of the smoking, Bad Joo searched desperately for help on the internet. Bad Joo found a lot of great articles, blogs, memoirs, and books about how tough it is to quit smoking. None of these were realistic. Most of them said, "Take a deep breath when the urge to smoke hits you." A deep breath is inadequate. Deep breaths did not save the innocents Bad Joo murdered.

Bad Joo has therefore decided to post from time to time about the real experience of quitting smoking. This is one such post, taken from her non-smokier's diary.

Day 1.

I can do this! Yes we can! Woo hoo! I won't smell like a Goth Boy's Datsun anymore, and I'll save money too! Yeah! Whooopeee!

Day 1.1

Must smoke. Please. Anything. Room growing dim. Will smoke carpet. Yes. We likes the carpet, doesn't we.

Day 1.2

I killed a man this morning. In cold blood. He was smoking outside my building, and I knocked him down, pulled the cigarette out of his mouth, shoved it in my va-voom (that doesn't count as smoking, does it?), and then stomped on his face. I feel no remorse.

Day 1.7

Purchased pack of cigarettes. Put all twenty in my mouth. Lit with blow torch. Inhaled. Vomited.