Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
So, we did it. We finally closed on the Little Bungalow That Could(nt), and sold our current house. Smooth sailing from now on, right?
We apparently transformed into a very continental Tom Hanks and a darker haired Shelly Long, for we today learned that the house is in fact CRUMBLING. Ish. It seems that the bowed sidewalls that everyone (and by everyone, I of course mean the FHA Appraiser, Consultant, and Contractors) assured us were going nowhere are in fact about ready to break due to the improperly supported weight of the roof. And one of the neighbors tried to tell me this early on in the process, but this Joo ignored him, choosing instead to believe a bunch of licensed professionals.
And I would've blindly gone on their bad advice, had a certain city inspector (whom I regretfully referred to as an incompetent, alarmist ass - sorry, Boris, or Yuri, or whatever the fuck your name is) halted work on the project, citing irreconcilable differences with the roof system.
So now we wait. We wait while an adorable little structural engineer calculates forces and tolerances and tells us what we need to do to stabilize the structure and properly support it. Until that time, we cannot even begin to reroof the little bungie. *le sigh*
LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL OF YOU. Or not. We're still delighted to be rehabilitating our dream house.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
So, for those of you keeping score at home, we have not yet closed on the little house that could. We have, in the meantime, sold our present house, and signed reams and reams and reams of paperwork. Alas, no closing yet.
This is still because we're getting a federally subsidized rehab loan for the little house that could. And, as a result, the lender is being pickier than a migrant worker in a peach orchard. FOR EXAMPLE, as we near our closing deadline, despite the fact that Bad Joo is paid THE SAME AMOUNT EVERY PAY PERIOD, the lender is requiring proof of deposit and check stubs for each salary deposit. Unimpressed? How 'bout 'dis one: we have the money for our down payment in one account (call it Account X), but we'll be paying the down payment out of Account Y. Therefore, in FHA Lender Land, we must show not only the long standing funds in account X, but also the balance in account Y, AND THE TRANSFER OF FUNDS FROM X TO Y LEST WE SECRETLY USE DRUG MONEY INSTEAD.
We're supposed to close by the 15th.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Sorry, Grace Anne. You were a good girl. You deserve far, far better. If you knew her, comment here please. Help me out.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Real Estate Agents and Mortgage Brokers fear the AYFKM loans, for they require a mountain of paperwork and certification taller and more evil than Mount Doom, and (this Joo is pretty sure) are underwritten only by Sauron. This Joo fears nothing. And so she perseveres. And it will happen, my pretties. This Joo and that dirty foreigner husband of hers will raise their child in the Little House That Could. ETA for our closing is 30 days.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
It's official. Ten months ago, little M popped outta this Joo like greased lightning. He now talks "ba ba, pa pa, da da, ga ga (but no mama)", crawls, stands, does stairs, claps, growls, does "so big", chops, and juliennes. And despite the sleepless nights and the bad teeth, this Joo couldn't be happier.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Some people are addicted to booze. Others habitually tie off their arms with JCrew tie tourniquets and inject themselves with what the kids call "horse." Still others gamble. Bad Joo has a problem with old houses.
Bad Joo has dreamed since Bad Joo was a little Bad Joo of an adorable, historic bungalow. Since attaining adulthood, this dream has fleshed out, and Bad Joo compulsively shops her city streets for said bungalow. Until now.
Wait. Back up. Bad Joo has a few favorites, namely, a Japanese inspired bungalow on a certain park, a cottagey bungalow in a certain preppy city-lette; and Bad Joo's new bungalow. That's right. The one pictured in the previous post.
You see, sixteen years ago, when Bad Joo moved to Grand Bibleville, Bad Joo spotted this little number, and Bad Joo said, "I will have that house." And now she will.
Call it fate. Call it kismet. Claim that Jesus arranged it all 'twixt deciding who'd get into heaven (there are only 144,000 spots). Call it what you will, but a short time ago, Bad Joo and Mr. Bad Joo were driving aboot, and Bad Joo asked him to drive by this little number to see how she was doing.
And there was a motherfucking for sale sign in the window. Not a realtor sign. Not a fancy, shiny sign with a tube for flyers and bells and whistles. No. A little 8x10 Ace Hardware For Sale By Owner sign.
So Joo called. And found it was for sale for $ridiculouslylow,lowprice.00 . Because all of these sixteen years, the house was inhabited by a little ol' lady, who recently went to be with her Jesus. And the house is in a shambles. In ruins. And now it is Bad Joo's sworn duty to fix her back up.
Because, you see, she is the little house that could.
TO BE CORN-TINUED.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
You are adorable and wonderful. You smile all the time. You regale us all with "ba ba" and "papa." You never cry. You never sleep either, but that's for another post. In short, you are the world's most perfect baby.
But I really could've done without the full scale decimation of my teeth. Nothing says "white trash" like a mouth full of cavities and a mother effin' crown. How come no one ever told me that pregnancy and nursing would devastate my mouth?
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I get a bill in the mail from one of my 10,000 renal ultrasounds. Ultrasound $218. Insurance coverage $3. My total $215. Awesome. Thanks. And since when is an ultrasound to determine if you are indeed going to die of kidney failure experimental? Shut up.
A going to vacation bible school. I know. I know. It was an act of desperation. And not in finding the Lord. In trying to let A have some semblance of fun this summer away from her mom who is a grouchy, psycho, fat pig. Poor A. On Tuesday I walked in to pick her up only to be greeted by the preacher yelling "WHO'S BEEN FOUND?" In panic mode I tried to locate A who was very busy screaming "ME ME ME ME ME" and dancing. Holy shit. I almost went into labor.
The fact that there is currently a kitten residing in our house. I needed one more thing to do.
The phone call I received from hubby announcing his intentions to travel to NYC the week I am to be induced. Really? I think that's an awesome plan.
My bladder is infected again. Mostly because my kidney stones are rotting and molding and curdling and whatever else kidney stones that won't leave your body do. I'm on antibiotics now until birth. If you need me I will be in bed itching my yeasty hoo with an SOS pad. And I could give two shits if that's too much info. Don't you want to come visit?
Monday, July 26, 2010
DO NOT steal the above design, as faboo as it is, for I will hunt you down and kill you with a machete. It is my own original work in which I reserve all rights. It is an ode to my Good Joo who, despite being grossly pregnant, having the kidney stones, the G.D., the G.H., the Huge.Ass.Baby.Up.In.There, and the two children on the outside, just called to offer to DRIVE TO BIBLE BELTVILLE to care for Bad Joo's beloved dying rottenweiler. This makes my heart swell with love, even though it is in a shit situation, hence the profoundly symbolic imagery.
I'm getting a job with Hallmark next week. I'll be designing their new "Just Because" line. You can all be fucking jealous.
Friday, July 23, 2010
P.S. The tree frog is 7 months old today. How did that happen?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Bad Joo got a swimmering suit for her thirty thirteenth birthday. And it might be cuter than a picture of M riding a kitten on a Hallmark® card held by midget wearing fuschia knickers. For real. Even on this post partum body.
See: Lands End Canvas for details.
And they're on heavy sale. Like cheaper than Wal-Mart sale.
P.S. Good Joo is still prego, still suffering, still in the USSR (or Indiana).
P.P.S. The man with the rainbow umbrella obscuring his head in the background is this Joo's part time lover.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
which is why despite the G.D., gestational hypertension, kidney stones, an ongoing bladder infection, contractions, and a dilating and effacing cervix AT 32 MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS, Good Joo is still home caring for A and B and NOT, I repeat, NOT in the hospital. The infant mortality rate in third world countries is very high. Similarly, in Indiana, women still die in childbirth all the time. At 32 weeks.
For this reason, The Incision has headed down to the Fart to regulate some medical action. Look out, Fart. The Joos are pissed.
* photo courtesy of Stockvault.net
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Unacceptable that M has fluffier tits than his mama.
Unacceptable that M also has tree frog toes.
More unacceptable that Bad Joo's beloved rottenweiler is crippled beyond recognition.
MOST unacceptable that Good Joo's kidneys are on strike (apparently with the rottweiler's kidneys. Let's hope they went somewhere nice).
Acceptable that baby good joo is weathering the kidney tsunami okay.
This has been a red hot summer of winning, and it's only July.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Because of this pathetic weakness, Bad Joo suffered broken wrists and all manner of other joint injuries in her youth, much to the chagrin of Good Joo. You see, Good Joo always wanted a broken arm. And a retainer. Sure, the retainer was easy enough. Watermelon Jolly Rancher? Check. Paper clip? Check. One instant retainer. The broken arm, however, was a whole other animal. And it was a much coveted animal.
Perhaps it was the golden draw of the arm sling, but for years Good Joo tried to break her arm by slamming it in car doors, bedroom doors, refrigerator doors, hitting it with a hammer, and asking people and heavy draft animals to jump upon it. This Joo is not making this shit up, except maybe the part aboot the beasts of burden. And the amazing thing is that IT NEVER WORKED. She never broke a mother fuceing thing.
And so, this Joo reminds that Joo that despite the fact that this pregnancy is wearing her like a bad suit, she will get through it. She's strong like that. INVINCIBLE EVEN. Or something like it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
So, Good Joo, this Joo sends you much love and reminds you that you are a fabulous mother doing a fabulous job.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
That is all.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Oh B. You are such a dazzle horn. At 15 months you are a bigger dick then your mom, dad, and sister combined. You spend a lot of time being pissed about things, but it really is quite cute. You love Elmo, your babies, books, being outside, going to the Y, and touching your mom at all times. Your current vocabulary consists of: hi, bye, mom, dada, A, waffle, warm, no, no, no, Elmo, and pretty much anything else you copy from your mom.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Now get your ass back up here if you want your present. I'm not driving down there with my crotch all up in flames and milk leaking out of every pore.