Tuesday, July 28, 2009

And also...

For all of you who have known about the "Dick" song for years and decades and centuries GJ does not care. Remember how excited you were when you first heard it? Now let GJ be. That means you Good Jew...and Michael Dana Mabee. Always thinking you're number one...both of you.

Some Updates

First of all Good Joo would like to announce that she hates C's crib. It is ugly. It is some sort of mission style, ugly ass crib. Before you get upset, Good Joo has already informed Bad Joo that she hates it. Bad Joo is choosing to ignore GJ's opinion. She promptly announced that she knows someone who knows someone who can make her that crib. Good Joo threw herself down the stairs. No one can be a good parent with that crib in their house. That crib wouldn't even make a good bed for Gonna, which brings Good Joo to her next update...

NO ONE knows how hard it was for Good Joo to not punt Gonna into the pool during her leisurely drink. Good Joo was writhing on the deck. Convulsing. Good Joo almost had to call Animal Cops Fart Wayne on herself. Oh Gonna...

Good Joo has also been working on some sewing projects. Gearing up for the birth of the dirty, foreigner baby who GJ will only love if he is wearing cute clothes. And by cute clothes GJ means trousers trimmed in ball fringe. Everything is better with a ball fringe on it...

Granted B cannot sit and or move in this skirt, it is still pretty damn cute. Good Joo made it today in 15 minutes from a piece of scrap material. What did GJ originally use that cute fabric for? Well...a skirt for A. Good Joo uses the term "skirt" loosely. It is more like a giant rectangle that goes all the way to the floor. Very Pentecostal. Very not hot. There is no pic of that skirt.

Friday, July 24, 2009

What A Wicked Game C Plays

to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do. To let me dream of you ohhhhiiiiiiiiiiiii don't wanna fall in love.

Bad Joo, who has heretofore sworn to buy used everything this baby should require (apart from breast milk), is now lusting over a crib. Even Blogger knows it's wrong, for Blogger is not allowing BJ to import a photo of the sexy mofo of a crib. Interested Internettes may view it here: http://www.pacificrimwoodworking.com/crib.aspx . It's the radius crib. le sigh.

Bad Joo knows that C will spend exactly five minutes of his or her life in the crib, and that said crib will really serve as a glorified cat bed from which BJ will constantly be evicting dirty pussies, but this does not change BJ's desire. BJ knows that the crib is a monumental waste of le cash, but this does not change BJ's desire.

BJ wants the Radius. BJ loves the Radius and everything about it. BJ especially loves its Jap inspired cap. BJ wants to sleep in the Radius and do dirty things to it. BJ would not even mind birthing a penis, if it meant she could have the Radius. again with le sigh.

Please, seasoned mothers out there, share your wisdom about why and how BJ should forget about le crib trop sexy. Or send cold, hard cash to:

Bad Joo
c/o The Dirty Foreigner
555 Midwestern Street
Midwest, MW 91919

Thank youse.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


This is a picture of George W. It is sitting on GJ's table. Why? It was a hostess gift from last night's dinner. When GJ opened it she squealed with delight. Actually GJ made fake barfing, fainting, dying sounds and motions and then laughed hysterically. GJ's new BFF in the Fart is a lover of the Bush and also Vera Bradley. Gag with GJ now. GJ has even accused her of having a Vera Bradley bag with a Sarah Palin picture on it. It's that bad. But dude...this shit is funny. The picture is autographed and reads:

Dear Good Joo-
Thank you for your support. With your help we can make America stronger, safer, and more prosperous.
Best Wishes,
Laura Bush and George Bush.

GJ appreciates a republican with a good sense of humor.

We are in our 30's...

but really we are 13. Last night GJ hosted Guest Krunk and fam and new Fart Wayne BFF Stacy and fam for dinner. This is what showed up on GJ's camera today after GJ had to frantically take pics of her dying tree to send to the tree doctor. This...this...this is Guest Krunk in all his glory. That's right. We are in our 30's, but still 13. This made GJ's day after picking Japanese beetles off of every living thing in her yard. And yes...that is Pearson in the background looking all snazzy.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

C Rebels

C is an unlicensed, renegade, bad baby. As first evidenced by C's first detailed ultrasound in which C refused to sit still for measuring, C is going to drive too fast, smoke crack, and avoid paying taxes when C grows up. C is one bad dood.

That's right. Dood. Although a little early, C got an unexpected ultrasound this week when he? refused to sit still so the OB could check the heartrate. In said ultrasound, the OB thought she saw a penis. Now, while this glimpse of an Eiffelwang is not 100% certain, it is sufficiently possible for this Joo to have head spinningly vomited all over her burgeoning belly, the OB, some passers-by on their way to a pregnant person convention, and the ultrasound machine.



Bad Joo was expecting a girl. Bad Joo has no idea how she is going to take care of a penis. She barely knows what to do with the dirty foreigner's penis, and her job is not to keep that one clean.

This Joo should not be surprised, however. Good Joo had girls, and it therefore stands to reason that Bad Joo should have a boy. Still, Bad Joo intends to make the best of this by causing C to be a screaming Mary. To this end, BJ has decided to name C "Valentine Madonna Cher Sparkle Joo." Valentine Madonna Cher Sparkle Joo will be enrolled in voice lessons, ballet, and cub scouts before age 2. VMCSJ will learn to love it. And VMCSJ will wear all his cousins' clothing. Including B's leg warmers. And love it.

Any additional suggestions for ensuring the queeritude of this fetus are welcome.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


OMG...who are these people and why the eff don't they live in Fart Wayne?

WARNING: most will find this offensive (except BJ and GJ and Brad and Good Jew)


15 weeks

Now taking applicants for surrogate mothers willing to carry C the rest of the way. Please send your CV and an ultrasound of your womb, being sure to point out any unusual amenities (such as a wet bar, jacuzzi, wall-to-wall carpeting, or in-womb wifi) to:

Bad Joo
Some Midwestern Town

Thank you.

Monday, July 13, 2009


Let's not beat around the bush...B has had a shitty day so GJ let her eat a marshmallow. Just because GJ let her fall out of the neighbor's toy car and split her head open does not mean that GJ is a bad momma. Eminem's momma is a bad momma. Just because GJ is making her wear Target brand diapers during the day does not make her a bad momma. So what that they leak pee all over. Just because GJ is spending all of B's 1st birthday money on A's tuition for next year does not make her a bad momma. With the cost of the tuition she can just dream about what a kick ass 1st bday it was going to be. Poor B. Being the second sucks sometimes.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Pregnancy Part Aw Hell Just Throw Me Away with the Garbage Already

In celebration of BJ's achievement of reaching week 14, BJ has artfully drawn the above self portrait for all of youse. This portrait was drawn shortly after the third person in one day asked BJ if she was pregnant with twins. The correct response, of course, to BJ's reply of "no" is not, and this may shock all of you, "are you sure." Bad Joo is perty damn near ready to start suffocating people who ask this particular follow up question with her resplendent arm fat.

Those who know BJ in the flesh will immediately note that this drawing is somewhat flawed in that BJ's legs are not this long.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Part I of Many in the Joos' Series - Why Pregnancy Sucks

So, pregnancy sucks. At least for the Joos. Sure, for many of you out there, pregnancy is a time of glowing, contentedly stroking your ever-swelling abdomens, and trying on various fashionable slings for baby. For the Joos, however, it is a time of swelling to monstrous proportions, bacne, and psychotic mood swings. These mood swings are not helped by those surrounding the Joos, although, to be fair, the Joos could be surrounded by a million Mother Theresas and still rip the eyes from the sockets of anyone who spoke to them.

Since Bad Joo is clearly meant to be pregnant, her body has, at 13 weeks, swollen to size AREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGME (petite)? This has, as you Internettes might imagine, lead to many the hilarious exchange.

Case in point:

Bad Joo gave up on fitting into her tiny tees this week and decided to wear a maternity shirt to work. THIS WAS A BAD, A BAD YOU KNOW IT SHAMON DECISION. For immediately upon her arrival at work, the following occurred:

BAD JOO'S BOSS: Hello, Chubby!


Internettes, you do not need to know how a pregnant Joo reacts to being called chubby. Bad Joo does not want you to develop chronic nightmares or begin torturing animals in your angst and despair. Suffice it to say that there are bits of vocal chords strewn about many a historic building throughout Bible Belt City, and Bad Joo's Boss has retired. And Bad Joo has decided 'tis better to have one's melon-like belly hang from the bottom of a tiny tee than to eviscerate one's boss following a chubbers comment.

Watch for more hilarity as we follow Bad Joo down the long, long, interminably long road to C's arrival. God Save Us.