Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bad Supreme Court, Bad

These Joos are not happy with the California Supreme Court's upholding of Prop 8. In fact, these Joos would like to bitch slap the CSC with a cheesy (but straight and married) dick.

That is all.

Dear Terry

Dear Terry-
Unfortunately you went extinct...ohhhh...65 million years ago. You are, therefore, not welcomed on GJ's deck anymore. Every morning when GJ looks out and you squawk like something out of Jurassic Park, GJ shits her diaper. You are not cute. You are extinct. Ciao Terry the Pteradactyl.

Friday, May 22, 2009

If this were one of those blogs where peeps post great shopping finds,

you internettes would be all over this shit. That's right, it's an Official Edward Cullen Twin Fleece Blanket, thank you very much. Available here: http://dasweetzpot.ecrater.com/product.php?pid=3968821 . And this Joo thinks that if Bedazzle had this in her crib, she'd be immune to all those common childhood ailments (like pneumonia). And she'd grow up to be a strong, independent woman.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Toot Toot

GJ felt bad posting such a homely pic of the Horn, so here are a few cuter ones. When you are sick in this house you get to eat whatever you want. Toot.


GJ told you it was a bad Monday. Monday the Dazzle Horn was diagnosed with bronchiolytis. Tuesday the Horn was diagnosed with pnemonia. AND on Wednesday Gonna was diagnosed with kidney stones and cystitis or some shit. This after she dribbled blood from her hoo all over the house. $5000 later it has been determined that the house of GJ is once more the house of skank. For those of you that were waiting for a return phone call from GJ...it's not happening in the near future.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Is it still Monday...

Clearly Gonna did not get the memo that Monday has passed. It is not still Monday. Gonna would like to carry on the tradition of Monday, however, by peeing on the GJ's floor. Granted GJ hates the flooring in her house this does not give Gonna (die) the right to piss on the floor. GJ already knows what BJ will say. GJ doesn't care if she is sick. If she isn't sick now she is gonna be in a few hours. Gonna does not understand what this does to the GJ. Gonna has no idea what her dad is going to say...GJ does...
*Note to PETA. GJ is a supporter of you. GJ is not really going to kill Gonna. It's just how GJ is "feeling" right now. The GJ hubby is a different story.

Monday, May 18, 2009


A is better at expressing her emotions than GJ. Here she is letting GJ know exactly how she feels about Monday morning. GJ is going to borrow these and wear them for the rest of the week.

Monday Morning

If you live in the house of GJ you must love glazed donuts. There is no alternative. Okay. You can like chocolate donuts too. That's it. Get that nasty ass BJ loving custard crap out of the house. Gross. This morning the GJ woke up sore (landscaping) and tired (shocking). GJ soon discovered that there was no creamer in the house, which means no coffee. GJ ONLY drinks coffee for the creamer. GJ got in the car and drove to Meijer to obtain creamer and donuts. GJ returned home, gave kids donuts, ate several herself, and then was promptly barfed on by the Bedazzler. Because it just ain't Monday morning in the house of GJ unless everything is effed by 7:30. The GJ has had to calm herself with Taco Bell and Mountain Dew. By the above diet you would think the GJ was preggers again.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

One Time At Band Camp

Not really. Although GJ did play the flute (feebly) and piano (loudly) for a few years during her adolescence. So anyway. This one time in Fart Wayne GJ was preggers with the Dazzle Horn (B). GJ was still wallowing in self pity from the move to Fart and the fact that she was pregnant. GJ really does not enjoy being pregnant. Someone (fine...GJ's OB) had just called to announce that GJ was diabetic. Now, GJ knew it was from the 15 poptarts and Mountain Dew that she had consumed in the waiting room prior to the test, but didn't feel it appropriate to tell the OB this. Who would believe GJ anyway? Pregnant people do NOT partake in such a diet. That's ridiculous. GJ just had not been feeling like herself and with the new sugar baby syndrome was just generally feeling like shit. After several phone calls to the lawyer hubby ("SUGAR...some of us have to work"), GJ decided to just drag herself to the OB. Upon arrival at the office of the OB, GJ whipped open the door and announced that she was in labor. Pandemonium ensued and two hours later it was determined that GJ should shut the fuck up. It was just a bladder infection. After obtaining antibiotics, GJ marched home and threw herself into bed. Poor A just meandered around the house playing horse doctor..."GET IN YOUR STALL. YOU ARE STICK. YOUR PEE IS FULL OF BUGS". While resting GJ's fab dog Lu entered the room all weird and drooly like. GJ looked. Re-looked. And looked again only to determine that it was too late. Lu barfed fluorescent yellow all over the builder grade carpet and bed. Crying, GJ laid on the floor clutching her bladder and simultaneously cleaning up dog vomit. The down comforter was dragged down the stairs to the new, sparkling front loader. GJ's only request upon purchasing a new washer and dryer were that they would wash a king sized down comforter. Fifteen minutes into the "clean the dog barf off of this" cycle the washing machine blew up. Crying again, GJ dragged the 5000lb comforter, full of water, out to the deck to dry. And 15 minutes later "Terry" the pterodactyl or blue heron if you will (more on this later) flew over the comforter and shit on it. And this friends was the worst day in all of GJ's life.

SIDE NOTE...the GJ loves a comma whether it belongs or not. Like it. GJ may have also missed a few. Like that too.

Deanne Volunteers

Deanne has assembled a group of volunteers (on BJ's body) to help educate children about acne. Her goal is to teach adolescents that acne doesn't make them different, weird, or ugly, but that it is a normal part of growing up.

And being 34.

This Joo is hoping Deanne and her teammates will perform some inspirational song and dance numbers a la Up With People http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOd-BT2N-18 . Click on it. Do it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Deanne Season Deux

The Joos have been getting a lot of fan mail asking about Deanne (what she's doing, what her favorite color is, if she's still around, if she's a top or a bottom) and this Joo is just ducking in to let you know that Deanne is still very much alive. She's thinned down a bit and taken on a ropy, muscled physique, but she's still perched on BJ's cheekbone, keeping watch over the lower 2/3 of BJ's face and judging all those who come too close.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

O-Put Him in my Butt-Bama

Speaking of Obama. This is the glorious coffee mug that GJ's husband brought back from his recent trip to D.C. It's the best gift the GJ had ever received. GJ squealed with delight upon opening it and promptly made out with hubby. Fantastic. It makes mornings so much better. It makes coffee so much better. It makes life so much better. The GJ spends hours lovingly washing it and hand drying it and drinking coffee out of it at all sorts of random hours. In case it has not become clear to our charming readers yet...the Joos love us some OBAMA. GJ recently asked hubby on his next trip to D.C. if she could come along. Not to hang with him, but to hang on the White House fence (licking it) and waiting for a glimpse of Obama. Obviously once he meets the GJ (who won Indiana for him) he will immediately place GJ in some sort of spectacular position where GJ will spend her time adoring him.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dear Google

Please remove the Antibama ads from this blog, or the Joos will be forced to feck your shit up.

About that poll (about time)

So, it would appear from our polling results that many of you believe yourselves to be called Luca. And, for the record, the majority of you would prefer that the Joos let loose with constant strings of profanity so twisted and wrong they would make a sailor cry. So it is written, so it shall be, with the caveat, of course, that the Joos are verboten by MDH to swear for, and this is a direct quote with which many of you are probably familiar, "I did not undergo ___ hours of labor without an epidural for THIS." So at least on the eve of the day o' the mother, these Joos shall keep it tidy. Not clean, but tidy.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

All the Single Gonnas

Gonna is being an ass and is completely uncooperative. It's as if she can read and knows that her mom (GJ) is waiting with baited breath to catch her eating a poptart or one of those pacifier suckers. Perhaps it's the camera one centimeter from her face at all times that has ruined the quest. You know as soon as GJ is nursing B or wiping A's butt that Gonna is gonna put a candy necklace on and eat it piece by piece...