Joo Song

DO NOT steal the above design, as faboo as it is, for I will hunt you down and kill you with a machete. It is my own original work in which I reserve all rights. It is an ode to my Good Joo who, despite being grossly pregnant, having the kidney stones, the G.D., the G.H., the Huge.Ass.Baby.Up.In.There, and the two children on the outside, just called to offer to DRIVE TO BIBLE BELTVILLE to care for Bad Joo's beloved dying rottenweiler. This makes my heart swell with love, even though it is in a shit situation, hence the profoundly symbolic imagery.

I'm getting a job with Hallmark next week. I'll be designing their new "Just Because" line. You can all be fucking jealous.

Now With 33% More Gadgets

If M could tear himself away from his latest book club selection, he'd love to tell you that you can now share the wit and wisdom that these Joos impart via Facebook and the like. Unfortunately, he can't, so you don't know about it. Put that it your pipe and smoke it.

P.S. The tree frog is 7 months old today. How did that happen?

This Might Be Cuter Than M

Bad Joo got a swimmering suit for her thirty thirteenth birthday. And it might be cuter than a picture of M riding a kitten on a Hallmark® card held by midget wearing fuschia knickers. For real. Even on this post partum body.

See: Lands End Canvas for details.

And they're on heavy sale. Like cheaper than Wal-Mart sale.

Love,

Bad Joo

P.S. Good Joo is still prego, still suffering, still in the USSR (or Indiana).

P.P.S. The man with the rainbow umbrella obscuring his head in the background is this Joo's part time lover.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

The Joos, especially this Bad Joo, apologize for the long delay between posts as of late. These Joos have been very busy with stupid Joo tricks, including without limitation attending the familiest of reunions in Fort We-Have-Fake-Amish-People-For-You-To-Look-At and tending B, who is quite delayed in the development of an immune system.

These Joos promise to resume blogging w/ a vengeance.

Oh and

RIP Michael Jackson.

Joo Quandary

Bad Joo's dilemma this evening? Allow her brain to rot whilst being fed legal voyeuristic views of life in a fundamentalist family that-I-shit-you-not-thinks-God-wants-them-to-have-eighteen-kids or allow her brain to rot whilst touring the Obama White House with Brian Williams? Oh, what a quandary.

If this were one of those blogs where peeps post great shopping finds,

you internettes would be all over this shit. That's right, it's an Official Edward Cullen Twin Fleece Blanket, thank you very much. Available here: http://dasweetzpot.ecrater.com/product.php?pid=3968821 . And this Joo thinks that if Bedazzle had this in her crib, she'd be immune to all those common childhood ailments (like pneumonia). And she'd grow up to be a strong, independent woman.

Deanne Volunteers

Deanne has assembled a group of volunteers (on BJ's body) to help educate children about acne. Her goal is to teach adolescents that acne doesn't make them different, weird, or ugly, but that it is a normal part of growing up.


And being 34.

This Joo is hoping Deanne and her teammates will perform some inspirational song and dance numbers a la Up With People http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOd-BT2N-18 . Click on it. Do it.

Deanne Season Deux

The Joos have been getting a lot of fan mail asking about Deanne (what she's doing, what her favorite color is, if she's still around, if she's a top or a bottom) and this Joo is just ducking in to let you know that Deanne is still very much alive. She's thinned down a bit and taken on a ropy, muscled physique, but she's still perched on BJ's cheekbone, keeping watch over the lower 2/3 of BJ's face and judging all those who come too close.

Hisssssss!

Dear Google

Please remove the Antibama ads from this blog, or the Joos will be forced to feck your shit up.

Zitdate

Due to popular request, and by "popular request", BJ of course means "one person asked, which made BJ's day, because that means that at least one person reads this blog", BJ is pleased to present a portrait of herself and Deanne.

Deanne is still doing well. She's a fighter and is not likely to relinquish her comfortable residence on Bad Joo's face despite numerous applications of benzoyl peroxide, salicylic acid, Retin-A, toothpaste, very small rocks, breakfast cereals, and Raid®. However, her insistance that BJ and others sing her "How Great Thou Art" as a lullaby each night is getting old.

Update

Deanne is moving, internettes. She's moving. Like some sort of dermatological Whac-A-Mole®*, Deanne is ducking in and out of BJ's pores, eluding any efforts to snuff her. Woe is Joo.



*Whac-A-Mole® is a registered trademark of Mattel, Inc. The Two Joos are not affiliated or endorsed in any way shape or form by Mattel, Inc. or any of its related companies.

Twin Joo

All the stress of being a girl Friday, saving the world one pitbull at a time, AND comforting the tadpole in the most maternal of manners has apparently caused a flare-up in this Joo's latent adult acne, for she awoke this morning to a different view on the world. A slightly smaller, slightly red view on the world. Internettes, there is a zit the size of the budget crisis on this Joo's formerly flawless cheekbone, and it's IMPEDING HER VISION.

Now, ordinarily, this Joo would not bother the internettes with anything so trivial as a blemish, but this blemish is no ordinary pimple. This is the Patriot Act of acne. It is so far reaching, it's causing swelling and discomfort as far as the sinus cavities. It is...

DAS ZIT.

It occurs to this Joo that perhaps Das Zit is actually a retained conjoined twin, shifted to the surface through some plate tectonics-like freak of stress. Perhaps the Joos should name this monstrosity. Perhaps she should call it, "Deanne."

Please, internettes, pray for Bad Joo and pray for her affliction, Deanne.

Bad Poll

This Joo apologizes for the inane poll to your right. It seems that this Joo cannot feed a child and build meaningful sentences in the same day. Still, please vote. These Joos want to know what you think.

Product Liability

The Bad, Old Joo has been having a senseless outbreak of the eczema, which is driving her mad. Mad, she tells you. Naturally, when BOJ itches, she reaches for some hydrocortisone anti-itch ointment. Not mad, you say? Certainly not.



Except that in this litigious age, hydrocortisone anti-itch ointment bears the following warning, amongst others:



Do not put directly into the rectum by using fingers or any mechanical device or applicator.



Someone needs to hire an attorney for this manufacturer. This Joo may be silly, but she believes this means that one could insert the ointment into one's rectum using a hydraulic lift, or chemical propellant.

Friday Night...

This is what GJ did during the time it took A to feed Lu her dinner one, tiny piece of food at a time:

1. wrote memo to New Dentist (insert expletives)

2. unloaded dishwasher

3. cleaned poop shrapnel out of downstairs toilet

4. sent out memo reminding people that if they need to have explosive diarrhea they should come do it at GJ's house.

5. ate some cheese bread

6. sent out memo reminding people that in lieu of diarrhea they may clog GJ's toilet with giant poop

7. pondered her P90X workout for the night

8. ate some more cheese bread

9. determined P90X was not a good idea

10. listened to A sing to Lu...who after eating dinner had to wear a burp rag like a saddle..."you're a good dog, you ate your food, you are my wild mustang..."

And that Two Joo friends, is Friday party time in Fort Poop.

6 "random things"

GJ/BJ's friend, Steph (http://www.dailydoublesteins.blogspot.com/), recently tagged the Joos (Good Joo/Bad Joo) in a game of blog tag. Good Joo finds this to be challenging. Bad Joo finds this to be maddening. Their 6 "random things" are as follows:

1. Good Joo and Bad Joo love to swear. They love everything about it. The inhale. The exhale. The smooth finish.

2. If Good Joo and Bad Joo like you, then you will receive a nickname such as: leaf, connie tampon, bean, little jen, may may, ferret, hot dog, donnie, etc. If Good Joo and Bad Joo do not like you (or if GJ and BJ are not sufficiently inspired), then no nick-name-o for you.

3. Good Joo and Bad Joo love their animals. Good Joo and Bad Joo love ALL animals. If you do not like animals, then GJ and BJ do not like you. And neither do God and Santa.

4. GJ is yellow.

5. GJ and BJ dream of some day starting an animal rescue. They will buy an old farm and turn it into something great. They will name it after their favorite animals: Pouce et Poucie and Bill (http://billyjohngavin.blogspot.com/).

6. GJ and BJ are not good drinkers. They become wasted after one drink. This has always made them cheap ass dates.

GJ and BJ now tag a few people, probably not six, but GJ and BJ find this to be too lofty a goal for the holiday season. The following shall consider themselves tagged:

1. Shawty
2. AJF, reader and BFF
3. Vi's mom, Gina
4. the Krunk (even though he clearly has an editing problem)
5. the Guest Gay (when thumb is removed from arse)
6. Santa

Krunka' What and GG will be posting on this site. Stay tuned...

Meet Good Joo's New Lover

His name is Pearson.

Pearson Chandelier. He hails from Restoration Hardware. He has fulfilled every fantasy Good Joo has ever had about lighting fixtures. He is simple, non fussy, and clean. He doesn't have red hair (like Good Joo's old lover). He has made Good Joo's life whole again after the tragic move to Ft. Pain-in-the-Ass. He is not a swinger, so get your minds out of the gutter.

Sad Songs and Waltzes Aren't Selling This Year

Some things never should have happened in the World's history. One of those is Gummi Bears, a 1980's cartoon and the bane of Bad Joo's existence. Why? Because twenty some fecking years later, this is stuck in Bad Joo's head:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loUNoy0Qub0Click on it. Do it. If you don't, this Joo will hunt you down like a dog. If the joos have to live it, you do.

This song is not stuck in the Joo's head all all the time. Not even most of the time. Just at times she'd rather it not be. Like when she's having a pap smear, or trying to carry on a conver

GUMMI BEARS bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventure that's beyond compare...

Suddenly, a failed pop singer is exercising his fairly wide range in a description of mythical bouncing bears, and this Joo honestly doesn't know if she's singing aloud. Curse you Disney!

And the cartoon sucked.

Ads

This Joo doesn't consider herself a newbie to the Internet. The Joos had the Internet when having the Internet meant a 1 gig hard drive, a dial-up modem, and $19.95 per month for limited access. This Joo had a Commodore Vic 20. This Joo played Q-Bert, Pitfall, and programmed something in a math class once using lots of "GOTO" commands.

But This Joo is having a little difficulty with Internet advertising and its uncanny ability to scan html for key words and mold itself in said key words' images. As much as This Joo knows that there are not tiny little men inside the Internet pouring over blogs and writing ads therefor, Joo cannot help sometimes jumping back in suprise when she sees things like this:


Can you read it? Do you see that the ad pretends that Yahoo sells green jello? Even though Joo knows that's not true, and knows that it came directly from the content of this here blog, Bad Joo still giggles nervously and looks at her butt whenever she sees a content-specific ad, as if her butt had betrayed her and shared her secret with the demons of advertising.

In-Buttrial Espionage. Bad Joo!