El Peso Pit-o

Being a jet-setter has its disadvantages, namely, this Joo can't recall how up-to-speed the Internettes are on Mrs. Blandjoo's Dream House. Demolition has been completed, and the worker bees are busy reinforcing the attic so the whole thing doesn't fall on this Joo's head. The good news is that work is progressing. The bad news is that the demolition uncovered still more work that lies ahead. Therefore, it looks as if this Joo will be not be living in the Little Bungalow That Could(n't) until April at the very latest.

In other news, Good Joos kidneys continue to revolt, and it looks as though she will again be going under the knife. For what? These Joos know not. When? These Joos know not. Perhaps this surgery has something to do with Good Joo's super secret dick http://youlllearntokeephouse.blogspot.com/2009/10/joos-dick.html . Perhaps not. Stay tuned for the next installment to find out.

BAYBEEEEEEEEE!

Baby Ju was born today at 4:25. 7 pounds, 8 ounces. 20.5 inches long. Congratulations to Good Joo and her family!

Joo Song

DO NOT steal the above design, as faboo as it is, for I will hunt you down and kill you with a machete. It is my own original work in which I reserve all rights. It is an ode to my Good Joo who, despite being grossly pregnant, having the kidney stones, the G.D., the G.H., the Huge.Ass.Baby.Up.In.There, and the two children on the outside, just called to offer to DRIVE TO BIBLE BELTVILLE to care for Bad Joo's beloved dying rottenweiler. This makes my heart swell with love, even though it is in a shit situation, hence the profoundly symbolic imagery.

I'm getting a job with Hallmark next week. I'll be designing their new "Just Because" line. You can all be fucking jealous.

Unacceptable

Unacceptable that M has fluffier tits than his mama.
Unacceptable that M also has tree frog toes.
More unacceptable that Bad Joo's beloved rottenweiler is crippled beyond recognition.
MOST unacceptable that Good Joo's kidneys are on strike (apparently with the rottweiler's kidneys. Let's hope they went somewhere nice).

Acceptable that baby good joo is weathering the kidney tsunami okay.

This has been a red hot summer of winning, and it's only July.

Love and Strength to Good Joo

In the house now shy of at least one pair of T&A, Good Joo is laboring under the weight of a growing C/D, whilst hoisting B aboot and caring for a recovering A. Since the vomiting of scabs by a five year old would in and of itself be cause for extra good thoughts to be sent GJ's way, Bad Joo is doubly proud of Good Joo as she is enduring all of this sans husband. Mr. Good Joo has chosen this time to go on a brotherly adventure that will likely involve beer and the photography thereof. Those of you friendly with him on Facebook know of what I speak.

So, Good Joo, this Joo sends you much love and reminds you that you are a fabulous mother doing a fabulous job.

Word

Clearly Guest Krunk's ho thinks GJ has tons of time throughout the day to blog (see comment section below). She seems to not have gotten the memo about A yelling "I'm psychotic" at preschool last week and then starting this strange love affair with Kayden or is it Cayden or is it Caeden or is it...right you get the point. GJ is busy. 'Tis the season. This is the time when GJ's craftiness gets a hair out of control. Lots of glitter being thrown around, the house smelling like spray glue, the kids passing out from the glue high, lots of painting, sewing of the Guest Krunk ho's stockings...really it's endless. So much to do. So little money to accomplish GJ's crafting dreams (Good Jew this is where you come in). B is about to walk. BJ is about to give birth (the horror) and MDH's bladder thinks it might want to have "the cancer." It's so trying to outdo the incision. Please bladder. You CANNOT even compete. GJ's hubby is supposedly done running for the "season," although GJ suspects this means "week." That's what GJ has got for you. That's it.

No double chins

This is what GJ's email said to her fab photog yesterday. No double chins and for the love of our sweet lord savior, no fat rolls. There are a lot of rules when photographing the GJ household. That's probably why Jenna decided to up her prices. After dealing with GJ the first time, she was all like, "Hell no, mother effer. Oh, hell no." Actually she wasn't. She doesn't swear, and she loves Jesus, which puts her right up there on the best people in the world list with GJ's neighbor Randi. Why can't GJ love Jesus? It would totally make her a better person. Or it might make her vote Republican and bomb some sad, 3rd world country. Whatever.

Baby zebra got dropped off at school and B and GJ bombed around for the morning not wanting to get ready too early. The cluster fuck started around 2:30 when GJ had to actually shower, and dry her hair, and put on make up and get her children deloused. Then throw everyone in the car right around dinner time for B and then pick up daddy and then drive to a barn in the country. By the time the GJ household got there the girls were eating fries, GJ was cursing the girls, daddy, fries, the world, her fat rolls, Glenn Beck and other things. Pictures went fairly well. Jenna was of course accommodating to GJ's need to see the pics on the camera before she photoshopped all GJ's insecurities out of them. The girls did well. B was a little dicky, but for being hungry she did well. GJ had to doing some regulating of the baby zebra. It was pretty windy out and at one point GJ looked over and saw the baby zebra sniffing the wind. And then GJ saw her flap her mane around and had to immediately intervene by yelling "NO BABY ZEBRA". This outburst was met with a frown, but A was able to regain her composure. At the end GJ did allow her to pose it out all zebra style. Jenna was completely baffled by the zebra until GJ explained that it's like when a little boy thinks he is spider man. Of course not a dying spider man, but that is beside the point. Pics to follow.

Joo's Dick

As previously mentioned, Good Joo went under the knife to pull a trilobite off her ovary on Monday, and the Joos are happy to report that the procedure went well. In fact, both ovaries were saved, and Good Joo is happily recovering in the House of Joo. Only...

Only, the surgeon who performed the surgery cryptically asked the recovery staff to tell Good Joo and her dear husband that she, "removed Good Joo's penis." And, at the time of this writing, repeated calls to the surgeon's office for further explanation have been met only with hysterical cackling from her staff. While the Joos are fairly certain that Good Joo is not a hermaphrodite, until such time as this point has been clarified by a licensed medical professional, the Joos are spending their time rewriting Mickey Avalon's My Dick song to suit the occasion. Internettes are encouraged to assist.

My dick - not on my ovary. Joo's dick - Madame Bovary.

My dick - well behaved. Joo's dick - not my fave.

My dick - non-existent. Joo's dick - quite persistent.

My dick - microscopic. Joo's dick - laparoscopic.

My dick - super awesome cool. Joo's dick - gone.

It is BJ's fault

Other than the fact that C has a penis (confirmed via ultrasound yesterday), everything is BJ's fault.

BJ did take off for la la france-in-your-pants for an extended stay, leaving GJ and co. without much to do.

BJ did also fail to remember to bring her camera back from Surrenderland, thereby finding herself without any photos to post on this here blog,

which would've been okay, except that BJ also somehow entrusted the ultrasound photo disc to THE DIRTY FOREIGNER, who may or may not have burned some counterfeit war game on it, and there are therefore no photos of the penis-ridden fetus hereon.

So, Bad Joo has jack shit. And she can't tile. Nor can she sew. Not even w/ curse words and twenty hours of pipsqueakless house. Good Joo, you are the epitome of woman. Hear you motherfecking roar. Post some more photos of that adorable fambly of yours.

Shake That Recipe

A is well aware of her roots. She was conceived in the "D" and enjoys Eminem almost as much as GJ, Good Jew, and da hubby. GJ and A have special dance time everyday where they shake it to various inappropriate songs by Eminem, D12, etc. Da hubby finds it disturbing and often shouts "THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE!" Of course it is. But he is still bopping his head isn't he? When has GJ or her offspring ever followed the social norms? Did someone suggest GJ and A dance to Kidz Bop or some other horrifying shit? Jesus music? No. The latest and greatest dance session is performed to Eminem (of course) and his song entitled "Shake That".

CHORUS: Shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me, come on girl shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
A: Shake that recipe, shake that recipe, come on girl shake that recipe, shake that recipe

Only another indication that A is the shit and all other kids suck.

Kevin

A: When you die you go to "Kevin".
GJ: What?
A: When you die you go to "Kevin". He makes you better and then sends you back.
GJ: Who told you that?
A: Grandma
GJ: Kevin sounds like a nice dude.

This after weeks of re-enacting the crucifixion. All animals in our house had to die, go to a cave and come out three days later. GJ might be rethinking this whole "I want A to make her own decisions about everything". That's what the GJ gets for letting A to church with her best friend on Easter.

Dear Terry

Dear Terry-

Unfortunately you went extinct...ohhhh...65 million years ago. You are, therefore, not welcomed on GJ's deck anymore. Every morning when GJ looks out and you squawk like something out of Jurassic Park, GJ shits her diaper. You are not cute. You are extinct. Ciao Terry the Pteradactyl.

Fondly,

GJ

Toot Toot

GJ felt bad posting such a homely pic of the Horn, so here are a few cuter ones. When you are sick in this house you get to eat whatever you want. Toot.

Monday Morning

If you live in the house of GJ you must love glazed donuts. There is no alternative. Okay. You can like chocolate donuts too. That's it. Get that nasty ass BJ loving custard crap out of the house. Gross. This morning the GJ woke up sore (landscaping) and tired (shocking). GJ soon discovered that there was no creamer in the house, which means no coffee. GJ ONLY drinks coffee for the creamer. GJ got in the car and drove to Meijer to obtain creamer and donuts. GJ returned home, gave kids donuts, ate several herself, and then was promptly barfed on by the Bedazzler. Because it just ain't Monday morning in the house of GJ unless everything is effed by 7:30. The GJ has had to calm herself with Taco Bell and Mountain Dew. By the above diet you would think the GJ was preggers again.

One Time At Band Camp

Not really. Although GJ did play the flute (feebly) and piano (loudly) for a few years during her adolescence. So anyway. This one time in Fart Wayne GJ was preggers with the Dazzle Horn (B). GJ was still wallowing in self pity from the move to Fart and the fact that she was pregnant. GJ really does not enjoy being pregnant. Someone (fine...GJ's OB) had just called to announce that GJ was diabetic. Now, GJ knew it was from the 15 poptarts and Mountain Dew that she had consumed in the waiting room prior to the test, but didn't feel it appropriate to tell the OB this. Who would believe GJ anyway? Pregnant people do NOT partake in such a diet. That's ridiculous. GJ just had not been feeling like herself and with the new sugar baby syndrome was just generally feeling like shit. After several phone calls to the lawyer hubby ("SUGAR...some of us have to work"), GJ decided to just drag herself to the OB. Upon arrival at the office of the OB, GJ whipped open the door and announced that she was in labor. Pandemonium ensued and two hours later it was determined that GJ should shut the fuck up. It was just a bladder infection. After obtaining antibiotics, GJ marched home and threw herself into bed. Poor A just meandered around the house playing horse doctor..."GET IN YOUR STALL. YOU ARE STICK. YOUR PEE IS FULL OF BUGS". While resting GJ's fab dog Lu entered the room all weird and drooly like. GJ looked. Re-looked. And looked again only to determine that it was too late. Lu barfed fluorescent yellow all over the builder grade carpet and bed. Crying, GJ laid on the floor clutching her bladder and simultaneously cleaning up dog vomit. The down comforter was dragged down the stairs to the new, sparkling front loader. GJ's only request upon purchasing a new washer and dryer were that they would wash a king sized down comforter. Fifteen minutes into the "clean the dog barf off of this" cycle the washing machine blew up. Crying again, GJ dragged the 5000lb comforter, full of water, out to the deck to dry. And 15 minutes later "Terry" the pterodactyl or blue heron if you will (more on this later) flew over the comforter and shit on it. And this friends was the worst day in all of GJ's life.

SIDE NOTE...the GJ loves a comma whether it belongs or not. Like it. GJ may have also missed a few. Like that too.

A.M. in the House of Good Joo

GJ is not going to beat around the bush. The mornings in the house of GJ have been awful as of late. There has been no sleeping. A lot of thrashing around at night and musical bed shit going on. GJ made da hubby take this photo this morning. Now GJ is not going to lie to you. The GJ hair always looks like this in the morning. Good sleep or not. And it appears that A inherited this hot mess. Da hubby's comment this morning, "SUGAR I didn't think you looked that tired." Well now why would you think that? You slept all night ass master. Oh and when GJ tried to wake you up to help with the ass that is B, you slobbered around and thrashed and said you were looking for "V". What is "V" you ask? Eff if GJ knows. Just some interesting, helpful thing da hubby says while sleeping. Now for those of you who are Good Joo siblings, parental units, roommates from college, neighbors, or have for some reason or another woken up near the Good Joo this picture will not shock. For those of you who have not...enjoy.

*Please note the Good Jew chair that Good Joo is sitting on. Purchased at a garage sale in the D. You like it don't you?