Hey 19

M is 19 months old. That's right, internettes. It has been nineteen months since This Joo pushed that bad boy out of her ladybits whilst surrounded by a veritable crowd of well-wishers. At 19 months M - a.k.a The Otter/The Bird/The Little Gray Mouse/The Little Brown Louse/The Grouchy Gray Grouse- amuses this Joo with his daily antics of telling EVERY DOG IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO "HUSH", saying "no" to everyone else, and having Autistic-like fascinations with bubbles (which he asks for fifty times a day).

No, he's not yet sleeping through the night. And, yes, he's still nursing. KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF MY BODY. Wha?

Awesome Stinkface Photo Copyright 2011 Jessamyn North Photography

Jooapalooza Day 1

M and Little Ju's wardrobes are provided by Pewabic Pottery, Detroit, Michigan.

Uno

Happy first birthday to this Joo's one and only. I'm so overwhelmed by the enormity of how much I love you, I have nothing further to say.

10 months

It's official. Ten months ago, little M popped outta this Joo like greased lightning. He now talks "ba ba, pa pa, da da, ga ga (but no mama)", crawls, stands, does stairs, claps, growls, does "so big", chops, and juliennes. And despite the sleepless nights and the bad teeth, this Joo couldn't be happier.

Dear M Redux

Dear M:

You are adorable and wonderful. You smile all the time. You regale us all with "ba ba" and "papa." You never cry. You never sleep either, but that's for another post. In short, you are the world's most perfect baby.

But I really could've done without the full scale decimation of my teeth. Nothing says "white trash" like a mouth full of cavities and a mother effin' crown. How come no one ever told me that pregnancy and nursing would devastate my mouth?

Love,

Mama Joo

20

Inches. The circumference of M's waist. For real. We measured. He is a behemoth in a ladies' diaper.

In other news, Little Baby Ju is faring well, and Good Joo is too, except that she just purchased That-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

This Sucks Balls

Bad Joo is back at work. And Bad Joo hates this. M, however, is perfectly content. M is perfectly content, because M is being sat upon by his beloved Gramma (The Incision) and his dear Aunt-Kelly-Nanny. And, this Joo's wonderful employer is allowing her to work only from noon until 6, with the rest of her work time being completed in flex time. In short, this Joo is VERY LUCKY.

Still, those six hours away from M are the most excruciating hours of this Joo's life. This Joo has even inquired after the possibility of a neurological epidural in order to lessen the pain of separation. To date, the only thing that has helped Bad Joo ease into this transition is the knowledge that the sticky minutes she spends furtively pumping breast milk in the corner of the conference room like some kind of bad boob junkie will result in a healthier baby M. And those fifteen sticky minutes (why didn't anyone tell this Joo that breastmilk was hot-sticky-sweet-from-its-head-to-its-feet-yeah) allow Bad Joo to think about baby M and at least pretend she's connecting with him. La SNEEF.

Bad Joo doesn't know how the rest of you working moms do it. Do tell! What are your tricks?

STOP

in the name of The Law.

Mail Call

A concerned reader writes:

Dear Bad Joo:

Was your baby born without eyes, or did you just superglue his lids shut because you're a bad mom?

With interest,

Tess in Texarkana

Dear Tess:

I'm glad you asked. In fact, M does have eyes, and I rarely seal them shut, although I would if something horrid happen, like if Fox News took over my television and I couldn't turn it off. The proof is in the above pudding.

Thanks for reading!

Bad Joo

Bukkake

Dear M:

I will be blowing this photo up and rendering it in 3D (a la Will I Am during the presidential election coverage on TV) for your high school open house. Consider this payback for the migraines.

Love,

Mama Joo

M

Oh M. Stop causing your momma first time mommy stress. Stay on the boob.