Happy anniversary of your birth, o' fair-haired one. Happy birthday to the world's most awesome mother, sister, and friend. May the Mountain Dew flow with abandon and the Taco Bell be carried to your lips by well-oiled, tanned, muscular, and exceptionally tidy pool boys on this, the anniversary of the day you were born.
Now get your ass back up here if you want your present. I'm not driving down there with my crotch all up in flames and milk leaking out of every pore.