Friday, March 13, 2009

Guest Spot for Guest Pluto

"guest pluto" because... WTF? seriously, WTF happened to pluto? gone. reduced to a dwarf planet just like that. if they can do that to pluto, think what else they can do. when first asked by one joo, young and fair, to do a guest spot on the blog, guest pluto felt insecure, inadequate, inarticulate. but then said joo cried pussy and guest pluto found her balls.

guest pluto's inaugural, virginal, cherry-popping blog post will be a quaint introspective on the slow and rotten decay of youth. guest pluto is leaking into middle age. at a trickle's pace - like the longest piss of one's life (that usually occurs in a dark bathroom stall at a bar, levitating above the toilet seat to avoid toilet-transmitted-diseases, where the pee stream is painful and never-ending because one is so utterly tossed, muscle control becomes purely reflexive, with nerve signals skipping the brain altogether and working exclusively with the spine). a viscous dive into the shadow of youth.

one might think it happened upon the birth of her first child, but it actually happened about 4 months after that. guest pluto decided she no longer would drink milk. just like that. she was working for a fantastic company that was very much in tune with a new mom's needs for ultimate flexibility and the work/life balance. they had an entirely private nursing station where nursing mothers could go, plug in, pump their breasts, and then store their self-addressed milks in the spacious, stainless steel refrigerator provided. one day as guest pluto was hooked up, plugged in, spewing forth the sweet nectar of her first-born's life, it occurred to her that she was actually sitting at her place of work, squeezed between meetings (and suction cups), literally milking herself. at that moment she decided she hated milk, mostly because it comes from cows' udders, and she hasn't partaken of the vile drink since. this bold decision was the opening of the flood gates. it led to the questioning of everything (does she even like holidays? why must she clean the toilets? take this job and shove it) and the wrinkles follow not long after.

if invited back someday, guest pluto will happily share tales of her dental neuroses, involving an eternal conviction that she requires a root canal, that she will wake up in the morning with baby teeth, and that the configuration of her post-orthodontic smile is a dental pangea that can be traced back to their origins by a qualified dental technician.

i adore this blog. to any loyal followers who don't care to hear from guest pluto ever again, take this post and shove it up your "rosebud asterisk of a bum-hole" (C. Moore, "Fool") and sniff it - you'll like it better after that...


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  2. put this post in my butt with obama and CM. it angers me that you fell off the face of the joo earth for so long. why did i have to be deprived of such memories as the pangea that was your mouth prior to the braces? welcome back ferret...i hope you had to wear it.

  3. Ah, dusty udders. Dusty udders indeed. :-)

  4. I'd like to hear from Guest Pluto again ... good stuff!