Tuesday, April 21, 2009

7 Days Same As Cash

Bad Joo here. Really. In the fleshish.

One of the Stupid Joo Tricks that has been keeping this Joo from her Internettes as of late is the arrival of the Son of Sam, scratch that, Son of Dirty Foreigner. A few times a year, Bad Joo and her Dirty Husband bus his spawn out of the land of stinky cheese and surrender pups and into the land of Freedom and water boarding. These visits give Bad Joo a magical mystery taste of parenthood, without the worry of losing a security deposit on a real child. Since Bad Joo has been working-like-a-purposefully-bred-hybrid-of-two-beasts-of-burden-but-she's-too-tired-to-come-up-with-a-hilarious-combination-of-any-two-such-beasts, she decided to take a few days off to entertain the tadpole.

Bad Joo would like to be one of you. Really she would. She would like to be adept at keeping house, teaching thoughtful lessons about life, and preparing well-balanced, organic, locally grown meals, but the truth of the matter is, she sucks limp donkey kong. It's true. This Joo is always excited to see the stinky tadpole, but ultimately realizes at the end of each sejour that there is a reason she has dogs instead of kids. She is inept.

The tadpole is at an age at which he from time to time collapses in a pool of tears for no apparent reason. Or, if there is a reason, the pool of tears is disproportionately deep in relation to the cause for its creation. This Joo believes you Internettes refer to this as the "tween years." This Joo refers to it as "What the fuck?" So, the other day, the tadpole found to his great dismay that his portable gaming device had erased his saved games. Disaster. Armageddon sans Rapture. Hell.

Bad Joo understands this sort of thing, for she played Below the Root (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Below_the_Root) like a junkie in the basement of the Bad Joo childhood home. She played it for so long, she ended up sitting in her own urine for DAYS (a la The Secretary, but minus the wedding gown and BDSM), she tells you, DAYS whilst the epic played on. It was fantastic. And so, this Joo attempted to console the tadpole upon learning of the devastating news by saying something comforting.

What Bad Joo Attempted to Say (and keep in mind, we're consoling in French here, team): It's okay, tadpole. I know it hurts now, and you want to drown your hurt in Morrissey, clove cigarettes, and black, black coffee, but you will remember the fun you had playing those games, and you will create and save new games, and it will be fanfuckingtastic.
What Bad Joo Actually Said: It's okay, tadpole. It' s just a game. You can play more.

In response to this fat fecking turd of a consolation, the tadpole just looked at This Joo as if to say, "How could my father ever put it in someone so callous?"

This Joo is inept, m'dears.

And so, this Joo recalls a recent conversation with a new friend in which she said something along the lines of, "I think I might want to have a BAYBEE some day." Friend, I take that back. Please call CPS prophylactically.


  1. HELLO? did anyone notice that bad joo used the eff word? the real deal...OMG (i hate this abbreviation by the by). the GJ is gonna bust it out. gonna do it...
    someone just take MDH to the home now...she is gonna flip some serious shit

  2. Oh, bad Joo. We all suck at it at leat 50% of the time. And that stage you reference, where the child breaks down inexplicably in inconsolable rage that is disproportionate to the situation? That's called . . . CHILDHOOD. Come on over; you'll see it every day, here. I am sure that the tadpole loves you in his own, Frenchy way.

  3. I believe that he must love her, else his reaction may have been more along the lines of denting her skull with a well thrown gaming device!

    *edit* my capatcha was wangs. hahahahahaha.