Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Terrible Bad Awful Thing

Sous-Titré: A look at the Profundity of Bad Joo's Badness

As the snow prepares to bury us like so much cement, perhaps a tale from the summertime will cheer us.

One time, Bad Joo's neighbor mowed her lawn. Nice neighbor, right? Wrong. Unbeknownst to Bad Joo, said neighbor courteously raked the grass clippings after said mowing and placed them into a plastic wheelbarrow (the "Thing"). One week later, after heavy, torrential rains, Bad Joo discovered the Thing in a corner of the yard. By this time, the "Thing" was full, not only with the aforementioned grass clippings, but with water.

The Thing was heavy, but Bad Joo attempted to empty it, trooper that she is. However, the moment the contents of the Thing were jostled, an unholy stench, the likes of which few have ever encountered, arose from the Thing in an evil cloud. Awful. Now, were Bad Joo good, like her sister, she would have dealt with the matter right then there. Obviously, Bad Joo is not, so she ran away from the Awful Thing.

The next day, Bad Joo had another problem. She had invited friends to a garden party. Imagine the horror of the guests, were they to see, smell, or otherwise sense the Awful Thing! To circumvent this issue, Bad Joo attempted to move the Awful Thing to a more secluded part of the yard. I think you know what's coming next.

As soon as Bad Joo lifted the handle, the contents of the Awful Thing sloshed wickedly over its borders, spilling upon the ground. The ground parted, and Hell attempted to reclaim its evil stench, but the Horrible Awful Thing was too evil even for Lucifer, and so it remained on the ground. A cloud of black, noxious fumes rose heavily from the Horrible Awful Thing, lingering like a low-slung belt all around Bad Joo's yard. Bad Joo was mortified. She ran away (yet again - Bad Joo is not very brave, even under the best of circumstances) from the Horrible Awful Thing. Then, she called in reinforcements.

Bad Joo's dirty foreigner husband is a compulsive peddler, let's say (we'll save the true nature of his compulsion for a later date). During the happenings described above, he was not present, as he was standing on street corners, attempting to sell previously-owned copies of the Book of Mormon. Nonetheless, when Bad Joo ran to tell her husband (let's call him "Phil"), he left his entire knapsack of used Books of Mormon on the corner and ran to save her.

Phil is very intelligent, despite his addiction to good book hawking, and he recognized the Horrible Awful Thing at once for the crisis that it is. However, the Horrible Awful Thing had its own powers, which clouded Phil's judgment and made him act inappropriately. Phil pushed through the stench and wheeled the Horrible Awful Thing to a more remote part of the yard. Obviously, The Horrible Awful Thing spilled all over the yard, and Phil and Bad Joo were quickly overcome by its power. They vomited all over each other, the house, the lawn, the sidewalk, some innocent passers-by, a fruit bat, and some breakfast cereal; but that's a story for another day.

Obviously, moving the Horrible Awful Thing to a remote part of the yard did not open said yard to the possibility of entertaining that very same day, but it did have the effect of allowing Phil and Bad Joo to forget about their plight for a few days (once the Horrible Awful Thing had settled back into its stinky slumber).

A couple of days later, Bad Joo asked Phil how he intended to dispose of Hell's Minion (The Horrible Awful Thing). Clearly still possessed by the fires of Hell, Phil informed Bad Joo of his plan. Apparently, the synapses in Phil's brain no longer fired correctly, for he proceeded to explain to Bad Joo that if they waited until it rained, the Horrible Awful Thing could be safely dumped in the yard, and the rain would quell any stench. Ha.

Thankfully, Phil was not permitted to test his theory, for it did not rain over the next week. After which period of time, still impaired by his exposure to the Horrible Awful Toxic Thing, Phil attempted to move it from one remote part of the yard to another under cover of darkness. We know not why. In the process, Phil had to "jump" the Horrible Awful Thing over a step, and roll it across the grassy knoll (not to be confused with the Grassy Knoll® of the Kennedy Assassination), thereby sloshing its contents liberally across much of the driveway and yard. This event took place whilst Bad Joo was away at a meeting of People Who Spend Too Much Time With Their Pets.

Imagine Bad Joo's surprise when she returned home only to find her entire neighborhood, block, yard, and INTERIOR OF HER HOME reeking of the filth of thousands of dead animals and their excrement enclosed in a small, moist, dark box. She nearly fainted. Somehow, however, she was able to fall asleep (I suspect she medicated herself). When she awoke the following morning, she was thrilled to find the interior of the home smelling as it always had (that is to say of Hamburger Helper® and Applie Pie Candles). But, she did not get off that easily, oh, no no no.

When Bad Joo opened her back door to let her devoted canine companions into the yard to relieve themselves the next morning, a dark, brown (brown as poop) stain lay sunning itself on her driveway. Worse, said stain was littered with small tufts of decomposing grass. One of Bad Joo's devoted canine companions (we'll call her "Idiot Face") immediately lay down in said filth and began nibbling on tiny canapes of rotten sludge.

The Horrible Awful Thing? It lay where Phil set it for months, until a concerned neighbor finally called in a Haz-Mat team to dispose of it, after which, Bad Joo and Phil resumed regular use of their yard.

Suuummmmeeerrrrtiiiiiiiiiimmmmme and the living is eeeeeassssyyyyyyyy. Maybe we shouldn't mind the snow so much.

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