Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Color Joo Badd

Bad Joo has done it again.

Much like the eighth grade when her genetic inability to style her own hair caused her to have not one, not two, but fourteen thousand retakes, the results of which were too horrible to publish in the yearbook, Bad Joo has gone wrong. In her hair. All up in her hair.

The Bad Joo has no ability to plan for future events and should, in fact, be placed in a home for special adults. Still, the Bad Joo somehow managed to marry, purchase a home, and live in the "normal" world. Bad Joo is therefore allowed to mingle with the normals. So we get things like Exhibit BADD:

On a sidenote, Bad Joo would like to know why her hair always looks burgundy on the internettes, when it is in fact naturally brown, brown as shit (and unsullied by chemicals as of this writing).

Exhibit Badd happened because Bad Joo could not plan ahead for the holiday season and therefore called her stylist to schedule an appointment on the day they were closing for a merry fuceing two weeks. So, BJ called a new salon and was treated to this hair. See below Exhibit BADD 2. Note the Pollyanna curl:

Were this Joo a normal, functioning adult, she would have asked the new stylist how long she had (a) worked as a stylist (b) let alone at that salon BEFORE THE SCISSORS OF DEATH TOUCHED THE BANGS, but this Joo is not a normal, functioning adult. She did not, therefore, find out until AFTER THE SCISSORS OF DEATH OPENED THEIR SLIMY MAW AND CLAMPED DOWN ON THE BANGS, which had heretofore been growing out in a quiet and stately manner.

This really would not be so bad (hair grows out, afterall) were it not for the following fun factoids:

(1) Bad Joo leaves for foreign lands on Tuesday for to visit the foreigner's family. Despite three happy years of marriage, BJ is convinced that one of these days the foreign fam' will become wise to her inferiority and talk the dirty foreigner out of their marriage. BADD hair does not help to appease this fear.

(2) Bad Joo is from time to time gently teased by Good Joo and called "Alternateen." In all fairness, this teasing is justified, since BJ used to listen to Pretty Hate Machine, romp in cemeteries, and dress the infant Joo brother up like Robert Smith (replete with lipstick) then photograph him. Still, this BADD hair insures that the Alternateen teasing will recommence with a vengeance.

While this Joo is preparing for all of the atrocities to come as a result of the Badd hair (including Badd Joo's boss, who is incapable of saying anything nice when one looks bad), this Joo hopes she will, by some Christmas miracle, learn her lesson this time, once and for all.

Color this one very Badd, very Sadd Joo.


  1. in the spirit of the holidays i will comment on your hair. good god. now...since i am not speaking to you...off i go.

  2. also...it may have looked slighty better had it not been photographed in front of that horrifying picture. off i go again...

  3. there is no way to improve it. i have washed and dried it. i'm calling in a priest, a fireman, a shamen, an interior decorator, and a plastic surgeon. wish me luck. off i go.

  4. oh joo. it will grow. give it 10 days and you'll see results.

  5. You know, I really don't think it looks bad. A glance at my iPod shows a great deal of Sponge, NIN, and even Ministry, but I have to say that I really don't think it's bad. I'll have to tell you about the year I asked for a fun and flirty holiday look and was granted a curly mullet and angry samurai eyebrows. In the meantime, cast off those hands, badj00. REVEL IN IT! DARE PEOPLE TO LOOK YOU IN THE FACE AND WHEN THEY DO, SCREAM AT VOLUME TEN "ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY HAIR, MOTHER FECKER?!?" *ahem*

  6. In other news, those word verifications often sound like words from a foreign land. Yostibu, Daniel San. Yostibu. I wonder what word I'll learn when I post this gem. Thank you, j00s, for expanding my cultural horizons.

  7. Thank you, internettes for trying to bolster this Joo's self esteem. The Joos, however, are more interested in laffing at this debaucle than overcoming it. Hence, more angry samurai stories would be welcome!

  8. It's pretty much like it sounds. He waxed those bitches in such a fashion that I looked angry all the time. Like a samurai in those japanese animation cartoons. Like this guy, kinda:

  9. hahaha.....laughing at all the comments and taking a moment of silence for the loss of Bad Joo's hair. My hair is what makes me (even though that should never be the case), so really, I reach out and pat you on the back. BUT, it is true, it will grow back & probably fast. Until then, maybe buy some gel---gel fixes everything!

  10. Rick Astley likes gel. You could be sexxay like the Ricker.