Thursday, February 12, 2009

Bad Joo's Best Day

The Bad Joo has many faults, many flaws, not the least of which is her HORRIBLE OBSESSION WITH DOGS. Bad Joo is like A in her obsession with horses and baby animals, except A is 3, and Bad Joo is VERY FECKING OLD. Bad Joo's HORRIBLE OBSESSION WITH DOGS is not new. In fact, it is old. Bad Joo's baby book on page 1 says, "Bad Joo is always right, and everything is a dog." Thus, it should come as no surprise to the Internettes that Bad Joo spent a fair amount of her teenage years putting saddles, backpacks, and the like on dogs and trekking about therewith to the horror and bewilderment of her friends and family.

In the latest chapter of Bad Joo's HORRIBLE OBSESSION WITH DOGS, we find the Bad Joo taking her nine year old rottenweiler, Grace, on daily visits to veterinary physical therapist in an effort to solve the mystery lameness. Trust this Joo when she tells you do not want the details of how the mystery lameness arose, except perhaps to know that said details do not involve bestiality or animal cruelty. Anyway, these visits have now become the source of Bad Joo's BEST DAY EVER.

Scene: The reception area of the veterinarian's office. BJ walks in to meet the veterinarian, who is cuddling Grace on the floor. They exchange pleasantries.

Vet: Thank you again for bringing Grace in every day (and spending your life savings on her, even though we probably can't fix her).

BJ: Oh, thank you for trying so hard to help her (and for talking to me about her, because everyone else I know has long since learned not to)!

Vet: I really think she's less painful today and that we're making progress. Today we did the underwater treadmill, ultrasound therapy, underwater ultrasound therapy, some massage and stretching, and some brace work. She may be a little tired.

BJ: Okay.

Vet: We had a camera crew come in and videotape her on the treadmill with her LITTLE PINK LIFE VEST ON. We'd like to use the footage in our commercial.

Bad Joo falls on the floor and starts convulsing from sheer pleasure. The vet continues.

Vet: Your little girl has developed quite a fan base here. Everyone loves her. We're really hoping that we can make a significant improvement in her life, because she's so sweet and lovely, she deserves it.

Bad Joo begins humping the vet's head. The vet continues.

Vet: You know, I think once Grace builds up a little more strength, we'll have her start wearing a weighted backpack to help with resistance training.

Bad Joo loves to put backpacks on dogs. Bad Joo cannot take this latest development. Bad Joo pulls a mega, maxi pad out of her purse, inserts it in her panties, pees her panties, has a seizure, and begins dreaming of commercials featuring her THERAPY DOG ROTTWEILER walking without pain, wearing a weighted vest in which are stashed several tons of Coca-Cola, a carton of Camel lights, two good books to read, and the contents of Bad Joo's oft forgotten purse. In actuality, Bad Joo nods numbly and turns to leave.

Needless to say, in the retelling of this tale of the very best day, Bad Joo made both Queen Joo and Good Joo vomit blood with her amped up HORRIBLE DOG OBSESSSION. Bad Joo doesn't care, though. Bad Joo had THE VERY BEST DAY.


  1. vomit...spit...vomit...ugh...horrifying...foul...wrong...ick...poo...die

  2. Bad Joo, we don't know each other, but I love you. I'm reading this with tears running down my face and I'm snorting from laughing so hard.

  3. Lisa Doublestein, you must be related to Jason Doublestein, and I therefore love you by the transitive property. Thanks for the props.

  4. I think Grace should carry my basset hound in her pink backpack. He is a fatty so it would be good for her. Plus, think how funny it would be to see your BIG BUFF AWESOME DOG carrying what I refer to as my "dog fail" in a backpack. It would rule pretty hard, I must say. That might be the NyQuil talking.