Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Guest Gay Resurfaces

To begin, I would like to apologize to both Old Joo and New Joo (more on that later) for my tardiness. I was truly honoured (pompous spelling noted and intended) to be asked to blog a li'l, but I was completely unprepared for the responsibilities involved as I find that my good, 2am gay bar-dwelling name has been sullied on this blog. As I'm sure you're both horribly sorry for making me appear as a cyber-slacker, rest assured that I forgive you both and no further legal action will be taken. On with my rambling...

I've known both Joos for, good Lord, 20 years? The entire "Joo" thing has always escaped me. Therefore, this and my subsequent posts will follow the following naming convention: Good Joo = New Joo and Bad Joo = Old Joo. I would like to point out that these names have absolutely nothing to do with age or individual tiredness and/or sexiness.

In my years of being Joo-friendly, I have learned a few things:

1: Old Joo drives too fast. As a young, lithe, attractive male, I was afraid that we'd crash and my money-making face would be damaged. Of course, the only way to die is to be going 90 on the expressway whilst scream along with NIN or Janes Addiction with the one you love. "If a 10 ton truck..." nevermind.

2: New Joo makes me feel every turn. How does a 12 year old get married and have 2 kids? Sure, it's Michigan, but it's not like it Arkansas (Apologies to any hillbilly bastards hailing from the great state of Banjos. I think that should be on their license plates: Keep Your Hands Off My Banjo. I digress...)

3: When meeting the mother of all things Joo (Queen Joo?), have a clean-shaven face and trimmed fingernails. I adore this woman, but she's truly a dead skin nazi and will call you out at family BBQs. Of course, I may have called attention to myself dressed in black and ox blood DMs at a Michigan BBQ in June. Still. Scary.

4: New Joo makes amazingly beautiful kids. Bring 'em out to Hollyweird and I'll make them stars. I swear.

5: The horse statues? Don't ask. Let me know if you figure it out. I have no idea.

6:Did I mention that I adore Queen Joo? I just want to make sure that she's happy with me.

I understand that this should run longer and more entertaining after my lapse, but I'm running dry. Yes, that means something, but I'm not going to tell you unless you buy me dinner and tickets to a show. What do you think I am?


  1. Or "SURFACES" as the case may be. And only pansy asses are scared of dying in 1985 civics.

  2. You are a truly glorious gay. Old/Bad/Dirty Joo was most excellently correct in this assessment. You are grand.