Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Tooth #14...

is a dick. It has been a dick for approximately two years. A month ago GJ decided to visit her new dentist in Fort Go Eff Yourself. GJ had an initial meet and greet with New Dentist. When asked if she had any issues with her teeth GJ whined:

“Tooth #14. Don’t look at it (quickly turning head away.) Don’t think about it. Don’t talk about it. Don’t touch it. Don’t “test” it (i.e. put ice on it or shock it.) It hurts ALL THE TIME.”

New Dentist looked concerned, asked some more inappropriate questions about Tooth #14 (see paragraph above) and then announced that GJ “was funny” while looking around nervously. New Dentist then decided that the tooth needed $2800 worth of work. GJ panicked, paced, and threw herself down the stairs over it. Finally, GJ sucked it up. Needless to say, four shots in the roof of her mouth, a root canal, and a crown later the tooth hurts worse than before. After telling New Dentist that this was bullshit (ND looking alarmed), he questioned whether GJ “just wanted Vicodin.” No New Dentist Dick. I want the tooth, which in theory should feel no pain now, to stop hurting like a MF.

New Dentist = not impressed
GJ = not impressed

GJ marched home and dialed up Old Dentist (who also happens to be a jolly, good friend) to relay the horribleness. Old Dentist (as dictated by being GJ’s friend and dentist) expressed appropriate concern, some positive thoughts, and then some “this is what it could be” statements. After this conversation GJ developed her own new treatment plan. Knock Tooth #14 out with an ice skate like Tom Hanks in “Cast Away,” throw it in the street, and run it over with the Pilot. Return half of the tooth to New Dentist with a note reading “FEELS BETTER!” Send the other half to Old Dentist who will mourn its passing, like any good dentist should, with an appropriate ceremony. Fort Go Eff Yourself has failed GJ again.


  1. Have you tried the "tie a string around it and slam the door" trick like in the old movies? I imagine this would be followed with "scream obscenities like the crazy person ND apparently thinks you are" trick... :(

  2. well, i think someone suggested they come to the dentist she works for and ol' GJ said, "ehh, it's too far away from our house". is 20 min. too far to not be in pain? hmmmm? i think not...i think not.

  3. Ask for Morphine and Valium. Just reading about Tooth #14 makes mine get all funny. Like they might turn on me. I think I'll get som Morphine.

  4. fyi, i had a filling done on #21 today, no anesthetic and was back drinking my ice cold cola in about 15 min. hmmmmmm.

  5. jos is being far from helpful. i think fort rim job is slowly poisoning gj and her family. i worry.

  6. i would love to be responding to above comments, but i am busy scraping liquid shit out of diapers to take to the hospital.

    jos...stop taunting me with your phenom dental work...it's sooooooooooo annoying.

  7. Do teeth really have numbers? I don't listen at the dentist. He may as well be speaking a language I don't... um... speak I guess. I just let him blah blah blah about what I should do and then I go back to drinking coffee and filling my chipmunk cheeks with candy. Something about teeth having numbers makes them seem, I don't know, ominous.