For Shame

Bad Joo has noticed that it is commonplace to discuss what one is reading on one's blog. Bad Joo would like to do this too, except she has lost her mind and is presently obsessed with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, even though the Twilight series can be characterized by the following representative dialogue:

WARNING, SPOILER ALERT






Edward: I'm holier than thou even though I'm a blood-sucking fiend. One day I'll marry your ass, knock you up, and then deliver our half breed baby by vampire tooth Cesarian section. No, I am not kidding. This will really happen, as ridiculous as it seems. Also, there will be werewolves.
Bella (thinking): I am mesmerized by Edward. He is so ungodly beautiful. Wow. Also, he has bronze hair. It's so bronze. He's so beautiful. I want to dry hump his vampire action. Also, he is beautiful.
Edward: I love you with a love so pure it knows no bounds. Not even other beautiful vampires could contain my love.
Bella (thinking): I can't believe how beautiful Edward is. And that he would ever want me.

ad nauseum

Still, the Bad Joo cannot get enough. OH FOR SHAME, JOO. BAD JOO.

The Incision Is In Love

Well, the Joos should've known it would happen sooner or later. Afterall, the Incision is almost 7 months old, which is 15 in incision years, but it seems one is never ready for one's baby to grow up. *insert dramatic sigh* The Incision is in love.

This has probably been brewing for months, and the Joos just missed the signs. Sure, MDH reported that upon returning from Johns Hopkins, her local surgeon, who is responsible for her follow-up care, seemed infatuated by the Incision. Sure, MDH later reported that the Surgeon likened the Incision to a "heart" and still later to a "kitty." But, the Joos were unprepared for the latest oupouring of affection for the Incision.

Now, keep in mind that, as the Joos have previously mentioned, The Incision is a dick. The Incision is Incision Aggressive. The Incision cannot go to the Incision Park. The Incision does not walk nicely on a lead, is not house trained, and has bitten MDH COUNTLESS TIMES. Still, it seems the Incision has found its soul mate.

So, the Incision had an appointment yesterday to have its drains removed, and it must've batted its sutures at the Surgeon, for he now professes undying love for everything from its sutures to its drains to its bruising. The Surgeon even asked to keep one of the removed drains as a momento of their love. AND, to top it all off, insists upon calling The Incision its "kitty", as in, "here, kitty, kitty, kitty."

The Joos are not amused. Gentle Internettes, do you think the Joos should talk to the Surgeon's parents?

French Chic

One advantage to having a dirty foreigner as an uncle is that you get fab clothes from Paris. Also when the dude who wrote the screen play for MILK was accepting his award last night, A yelled "HE SOUNDS LIKE UNC." The dude is gay. Awesome.

Carpet Schmarpet

So...last week Good Joo had her horrendous carpet cleaned. Why? Because Good Joo's hubby had spilled two, huge cups of coffee on the living room floor. Now...Good Joo hates carpet. All kinds. In every form. It is nasty ass booty. So instead of ripping the carpet out and throwing it in the front yard (a la Grand Rapids), Good Joo decided to have it steam cleaned. To make a long story short...because the coffee stains didn't come out...Good Joo decided to shave the dog's butt with ther hubby's beard trimmer on the living room floor. So what? If it's gonna be stained it might as well be covered in hair. Can I get an AMEN?

PEE AY

Bad Joo feels it is appropriate, since Good Joo brought it up, to recount the tale of the BAD MOTHERFECKING PA. So there they were, Bad Joo and the Incision. Ten hours post op. Attempting to work out a plan to get the Incision out o' dee hostible. This is trickier than one might think, because THE INCISION IS ALLERGIC TO EVERY PAIN RELIEVER KNOWN TO MAN, INCLUDING CERTAIN NATIVE AMERICAN DANCES AND ELVEN SPELLS. So,

Step 1 (cut a hole in the box). The hostible surgical team took the Incision off the IV pain meds that had heretofore been working just dandy, thank you very much.

Step 2 the hostible surgical team assembled a "hot list" of oral pain medications to TRY on the Incision, so it could leave the hostible. Attentive Internettes will have figured out that the Incision and BJ planned to and in fact flew home from the hostible 36 hours post op.

Step 3 the hostible surgical team started the Incision on drug one of the hot list.

Step 4 the Incision began writhing in pain.

Step 5 Bad Joo politely asked the nurse to page the surgical team and ask them to try drug 2 on the hot list. Here's where the plan went awry, and the PEE TO THE EFFING AY CAME IN. The nurse paged him instead. Don't ask the Joo why.

Apparently this Pee Ay was some sort of bad motherfecking warrior, because as he approached, the nurse in very reverent tones announced, "He's here. The P.A. is ON THE FLOOR." The Joos believe that "on the floor" in hostible speak is the equivalent to "In Da House" in 1990 hip hop speak, for the Pee Ay arrived shortly thereafter looking as if he believed he deserved an Arsenio whoop whoop for his speedy (read: thirty minute) arrival time.

Maybe Bad Joo was suffering from lack of sleep, but Bad Joo believes that she very politely asked that the PEE ARSE switch the oral pain meds to another option in order to try to attempt some better pain control, so she could take the Incision home. At which point, the Pee Arse Fecker launched into a completely irrelevant and idiotic tirade:

P. Arse: You know, I can switch her to something else, but it's not going to work. Dilaudid is sixteen gajillion times stronger than any other drug known to man, so your mother is going to suffer needlessly forever and ever, because there is nothing left to do.

BJ: Um, I believe the surgical team had mentioned trying Percocet next?

P. Arsehole: Ah, yeah, but that's not as strong as Dilaudid.

BJ: Um, you said that, but I think we need to try something else, because the Dilaudid isn't working.

Insert the Incision screaming, "FIFTEEN OUT OF TEN. MY PAIN IS AT A FIFTEEN OUT OF TEN. I'M TRYING TO BE BRAVE, BUT I AM DYING OF OUT OF CONTROL POST OPERATIVE PAIN."

P. Arsewipe: Well, I'll try whatever you want, but this was just soft tissue surgery, so she shouldn't be in this much pain. You know, if you're really insistent, we can keep her another night...

The conversation went on, but the Bad Joo has flames coming out of her fingers just from typing up a partial transcript of this encounter, so she believes it would be best to stop there. Suffice it to say that eventually the pain was controlled, and the Incision was able to go home. In the meantime, Bad Joo had to get even with the Pee Track Mark's tirade about the Incision's pain levels by walking mall-like loops around the floor, passive aggressively muttering "small dick" and "arse fuck" not so quietly under her breath.

The moral of the story? IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE RECOVERING FROM SURGERY, DO NOT GET A P.A. DEGREE AND GAIN EMPLOYMENT IN THE SURGICAL WING OF A HOSPITAL. Jagoff.

AHHHHHHHH...hell

The incision is on its way home and it's acting a fool. It was an ass at Johns Hopkins. It was late for surgery and then decided that it was in oh so much pain that it had to stay the night. Poor Bad Joo was and is beside herself. The incision was trying to refuse release from the hospital. It was telling Bad Joo it couldn't leave. It needed Bad Joo to reschedule the flight home. Good Joo tried to help Bad Joo by offering therapeutic ideas over the phone like:

-when the incision gets home GJ is going to smack it across the face

-when the incision gets home it is going in a time out

Bad Joo had to fight with the PA (piss ass). The last Bad Joo saw of the Piss Ass he was cowering in the corner of the post op floor googling "how to be a PA." No one...Good Joo means NO ONE wants to be reprimanded by Bad Joo (GJ feels there should be a comma in here somewhere.) Let us all thank the Bad Joo for traveling with that inappropriate, bastard of an incision. And here is to no more incision (please Jesus.)

Thanks Bad Joo

Good Joo loves you the mostest

Bad Joopany

Bad Joo just ran into her stylist in the lobby of her building. Now, I'm sure that for most people this would have been a pleasant diversion in an otherwise dreary winter day. Not so for this Joo. Among her many other shortcomings, the Bad Joo cannot do her own hair, which, as frequent Internettes will know is currently all kinds of hideous . http://youlllearntokeephouse.blogspot.com/2008/12/color-joo-badd.html

So you can imagine the pep talk it takes this Joo to make an appearance at her regular salon, den of her regular faboo gay. There is much primping, prepping, and pep talking. And when that day comes, there is much denigration. "I know I'm not worthy", the Joo says to him. He is kind, this stylist. He is charitable. He puts her at ease, and the event is a pleasant one (unlike the Color Joo Badd).

He is the epitome of the stylist. He is perfectly coiffed, scented, and dressed. So, imagine the Bad Joo's self-loathing when she spied him standing in a classic department store underwear model pose speaking with an even more stylish and perfect companion this morning. She was unprepared! She was not coiffed, not well-dressed, not stylish! Still, ever the gracious man doll, he folded her into a hug, at which point

she panicked.

She hugged him back awkwardly in a pose reminiscent of a conjoined twin (you know, the ugly one that will eventually shrivel up, die, and be remembered in some TLC nightmare show), smiled, then said in a squeaky voice, "Don't touch me. I'm dirty." and ran away, which was, of course, the mature and cosmopolitan thing to do (shame, putrefaction).

Any thoughts on whether the BJ should attempt to explain herself in the future or just resign herself to a life of more bad haircuts would be appreciated.

Bad Joo. Bad.

Non-Smoker's Log, Day 240

Day 240. BJ still finds the need to shackle herself to a telephone pole every time she sees someone light up. The Incision's latest shenanigans are not helping. Someone please cut Bad Joo open, stuff her full of cigarettes and Kodiak mentholated chewing tobacco, stitch her closed, place her upon a pyre of broken cigarettes, then light her on fire. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

The Incision Goes On Vacation

The Incision is going on vacation. That's right, Internettes. It leaves today. Because the Incision is generous and kind, it is taking Queen Joo and Bad Joo with it on its trip to SUNNY BALTIMORE, MARYLAND.

The Incision has planned an orgy at Johns Hopkins with three or four of its favorite plastic surgeons. It's going to be sipping Dilaudid Mai Tai's and tanning itself under the O.R. lights. It promises to send you all a postcard.

Redemption

Trying to redeem herself, Gonna played cute, little bunny all day. GJ may be fooled.

I Told You So

Sometimes the GJ's friend (Guest Krunker's ho) likes to make her do things. Like go to the library for story time. GJ tried to get out of it. GJ tried to warn the Krunker ho, but she didn't listen. So GJ, cute B, and grouchy A arrived at the downtown library (note this is a 25 min drive for GJ.) GJ not showered, very greasy, grouchy, and knowing damn well this would not be good, parked and made way into library. While on way into library the wheel of the stroller broke. Awesome.


So GJ got into library, and there was the Krunker ho, all showered and fresh and cute and skinny. This is some bullshit, thought GJ. A ran over, grabbed all the farm animals and proceeded to hoard them for the next 2 hours. She refused to play with anyone. One girl in particular was so devastated by the not sharing of the animals that she proceeded to give A the stink eye for 2 hours straight.


Then for some reason GJ and Krunker ho decided that they should have lunch with the bitches (husbands). Also not a good plan. Why does ANYONE EVER THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO GO OUT TO EAT WITH KIDS? Why does ANYONE EVER THINK THAT JUST ONE TIME IT MIGHT WORK? GJ's bitch (husband) just looked at her. GJ's response..."Welcome to the hell that is my life." (chocolate milk flying in background, A neighing like a dying horse and possibly acting out the death, B crying, etc). Guest Krunker and ho just looking on while their son A-bomb acted all cute and nice.

Bad Joo's Best Day

The Bad Joo has many faults, many flaws, not the least of which is her HORRIBLE OBSESSION WITH DOGS. Bad Joo is like A in her obsession with horses and baby animals, except A is 3, and Bad Joo is VERY FECKING OLD. Bad Joo's HORRIBLE OBSESSION WITH DOGS is not new. In fact, it is old. Bad Joo's baby book on page 1 says, "Bad Joo is always right, and everything is a dog." Thus, it should come as no surprise to the Internettes that Bad Joo spent a fair amount of her teenage years putting saddles, backpacks, and the like on dogs and trekking about therewith to the horror and bewilderment of her friends and family.

In the latest chapter of Bad Joo's HORRIBLE OBSESSION WITH DOGS, we find the Bad Joo taking her nine year old rottenweiler, Grace, on daily visits to veterinary physical therapist in an effort to solve the mystery lameness. Trust this Joo when she tells you do not want the details of how the mystery lameness arose, except perhaps to know that said details do not involve bestiality or animal cruelty. Anyway, these visits have now become the source of Bad Joo's BEST DAY EVER.

Scene: The reception area of the veterinarian's office. BJ walks in to meet the veterinarian, who is cuddling Grace on the floor. They exchange pleasantries.

Vet: Thank you again for bringing Grace in every day (and spending your life savings on her, even though we probably can't fix her).

BJ: Oh, thank you for trying so hard to help her (and for talking to me about her, because everyone else I know has long since learned not to)!

Vet: I really think she's less painful today and that we're making progress. Today we did the underwater treadmill, ultrasound therapy, underwater ultrasound therapy, some massage and stretching, and some brace work. She may be a little tired.

BJ: Okay.

Vet: We had a camera crew come in and videotape her on the treadmill with her LITTLE PINK LIFE VEST ON. We'd like to use the footage in our commercial.

Bad Joo falls on the floor and starts convulsing from sheer pleasure. The vet continues.

Vet: Your little girl has developed quite a fan base here. Everyone loves her. We're really hoping that we can make a significant improvement in her life, because she's so sweet and lovely, she deserves it.

Bad Joo begins humping the vet's head. The vet continues.

Vet: You know, I think once Grace builds up a little more strength, we'll have her start wearing a weighted backpack to help with resistance training.

Bad Joo loves to put backpacks on dogs. Bad Joo cannot take this latest development. Bad Joo pulls a mega, maxi pad out of her purse, inserts it in her panties, pees her panties, has a seizure, and begins dreaming of commercials featuring her THERAPY DOG ROTTWEILER walking without pain, wearing a weighted vest in which are stashed several tons of Coca-Cola, a carton of Camel lights, two good books to read, and the contents of Bad Joo's oft forgotten purse. In actuality, Bad Joo nods numbly and turns to leave.

Needless to say, in the retelling of this tale of the very best day, Bad Joo made both Queen Joo and Good Joo vomit blood with her amped up HORRIBLE DOG OBSESSSION. Bad Joo doesn't care, though. Bad Joo had THE VERY BEST DAY.

Yummy

After dragging it out over two weeks, GJ has finally finished. It was everything GJ had hoped for, kind of like Pearson. GJ loved all the characters, every page, and the cover. GJ licked the cover twice for MDH so that she would fully understand the love for the book. GJ read it every night in the tubby and in between commercials on MSNBC. Spectacular. Now GJ has recommended this book to BJ. Very nervously GJ informed BJ that the book is a translation...from gasp...French. The last time GJ recommended a translated book to BJ, BJ spent 2 weeks chastising it and GJ. GJ can just picture BJ picking it up from the library, getting comfortable on her hydraulic stool, and crossing everything out in red yelling "Non, c'est terrible." Still...for those of us who are not versed in the french, it's a keeper.

Happy VD Spam

GIRLS DO ANYTHING FOR A BIG HOSE, Bad Joo's inbox promised her today. Because of Bad Joo's previously mentioned inability to function as a normal adult, Bad Joo clicked. She had to. And she was rewarded with the following message:


Make a smart choice when it comes to getting pilules online!


Merry Christmas

Canadian Healthscare


This was apparently an offer for purchase of name brand drugs that treat erectile dysfunction. Who knew they also give one A BIG HOSE.


Joos do not know why this cracks BJ up.

Long Day at the Office

What a day. Phewwwww...I'm just exhausted. What a long day at the office. It took me all day to shred the leather couch. And on top of that I just had to fit in the shredding of the pristine, white, Pottery Barn chair. God I was busy. Now I think I will spend a little time resting. If I happen to be giving the fish a frickin' heart attack...well that's okay. I think my mom (GJ) is looking for me...

Take This Joo Back

Internettes, I know I haven't called or written in some time. I know you've been leaving increasingly desperate text messages for me, including graphic shots of your nether regions in a blatant attempt to get my attention. Internettes, I've done you wrong, but now I'm back.

Internettes, I don't know what made me spend my time with another. Maybe it was the promise of a regular paycheck, the need to be fed on a regular basis, or the increasingly suspicious looks I was getting from my employer. In any case, I'm over all that now.

Internettes, now that I'm back, I'm going to make it up to you. You'll see. I'm going to pick you up in an iridescent stretch Hummer limo, which I will have pre-stocked with all the blog posts you could ever want to read, including videos of kids making up stories about hippos, photos from junior high, humiliating stories about dating, and much, much more. I'll put on some romantic music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTyD_8hcmzA, and then I'll ramble on and on and on and on about nothing in particular. I'll listen to your comments, and I'll respond with pertinent replies. There will be corn.

And then I'll ignore you again for another week. Internettes, please bear with us as the Joos navigate a particularly busy couple of weeks.

Post Script: Alert reader, bakonbitzz offers this little number in response to the Ice Castles theme. Queen Joo, eat your heart out: http://blip.fm/bakonbitzz

Ears Be Damned...

Remember that video you have to watch before you leave the hospital with your newborn? Or is that just GJ and her hubby? Did they just sense that I was going to be the crazy mom? Anywho...it's all about how your newborn is NOT out to get you. They were wrong. B is out to get GJ. After months and months of ear infections, B was ear ache free for approximately 14 days. Now her ears hurt again. How does GJ know this? Well silly lambs...it's because when her ears hurt she has no love for the boob. She hates it. She screams at it. She smacks it around and tries to rip it off. She shoves it out of her face. She tries to put it back in GJ's bra. She bites it. Her head spins around. She gets so pissed she shits her pants or rips loud farts. It's awful. So today...GJ went to buy some formula. This angers GJ as her boobs are plenty good. Note B's large cheeks. However, GJ can only stand sooooooooooo much drama. Upon arriving home GJ was in the kitchen trying to determine how the hell to make a bottle, when B came running in, ripped the bottle out of her mom's hands, made the bottle, stuck it in her mouth, and did the humpty dance. Fine.

*Fantastic outfit from Good Jew

**The GJ cannot punctuate and no longer cares. All posts from now on will be in the style of the GJ. GJ is sick and tired of having to have BJ and hubby correct posts. Screw it. And screw you if you don't like it. I'm not a frickin' attorney who has to write memos all day.

HOLY SHIT

If A EVER saw this photo from the superbowl party gone wrong she would die. Die GJ says...die. Guest Krunker and his ho had a party last night. GJ brought thousands of animals for A to play with, so GJ and hubby could socialize. And this is the result. Guest Krunker's dirty damn dog ate them. Decapitated them. And don't you dare think that A will not ask me tomorrow where white tiger #53 is and where the Indian horse is. Shit. Shit. Shit.